Family Guy

Peter: Wait a second. That's it! They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I gotta do is write "deceased" right here where it says name and where it says sex, I'll write "no thanks, I'm dead". It's bulletproof.

Peter: I'm fine! What are ya, coming on to me now? Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy. Doctor: Can it be both?

Death: Great. The whole world is laughing at me. This is high school all over again.

Peter: (yells to a biker) Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons? (gets hit with a pool stick, but does not get hurt) Peter: (yells to another biker) Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend, Richard Simmons? (Peter gets shot but does not die)

Diane: And now to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa, who filed this report... all by herself! Trisha: Thanks Diane. I'm standing here at the bar where townsperson Peter Griffin withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, you're telling me if I shot you with this channel 5 pistol you will be completely unharmed? Peter: Why don't you give it a shot? (Trisha shoots peter in the head) Ah ah ah! Oh god! Oh god! (people panicking) Ah... haha just kidding.

Peter: Look. Here they are. My family. Guys, I don't say this often enough, but I'm gonna die! Lois: Oh my god. Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?

Lois: I'm so worried about your father. Chris: You mean because he's a borderline alcoholic? Lois: No. Mommy's made peace with that. Chris: Oh, cause he's got a lump on his booby! Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! "Booby." Meg: Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out okay. Lois: Really? Who's Debbie Miller? Meg: A girl I just made up.

[To Death] Stewie: Hello, I'm Stewie. Big fan.

Peter: I am going out. Death: Wait, you can't tell anyone I'm here. (Darkness appears and Death's voice becomes diabolic.) For if humanity discovers that I'm not lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dire. Peter: Go on. Death: That's it. (To Lois.) What the hell do you see in him?

Lois: Peter, who cares how much it is? You've just got the most important bill of all. A clean bill of health. Peter: (sarcastically) Jeez, Lois. How long have you been waiting to crack out that gem?

Peter: Oh, look. My first bike. I have a lot of fun playing with it. (Flashbacks with Peter as a kid.) Young Peter: More tea, Mr. Bike?

Peter: No. I am not going to see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. (Giant squid appears in front of them, and hits the table and throws off all the dishes.) Lois: Earthquake. Peter: Truck going by.

Peter: I'm gonna jump off this builing. Cleveland: Excuse me Peter, I think I had something crazy in my ear.

Peter: Where did you get that? Death: It was e-mailed me by your HMO. Peter: Just because my doctor was hittin' on me, doesn't mean you have to call him names.

Death: (sarcastically) Oh Glamour, now I can learn how to please my man.

Death: Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Peter: (He picks up a lamp and shows it to Death) This is Peter Griffin.

Death: You gotta kill the kids from Dawson's Creek Peter: I knew it! As soon as that show came on the air I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill 'em." Lois: It's true, he really said that.

Doctor: This doesn't look good, no this doesn't look good at all. Lois: Oh no. Doctor: My nephew drew a picture of me. It doesn't look a thing like me. Look at the nose, it's all wrong!

(Death and Lois playing the game of Life) Death: You know, I should find this ironic, but I'm really just bored as hell.

Stewie: But you promised the fat one would perish! Lois: I know, Stewie, isn't it lovely?

Peter: Woah, woah, woah! Is this the price of my bill or my phone number? Nurse: Your phone number

Death: What did you make this hot chocolate with? Crap? Lois: If you want me to make you another, just say so. Death: I just thought you would make it with milk. Instead of crap.

Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. Death: Well, that would just leave England.