Family Guy

Chris: Why is everybody acting weird? Lois: Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve. Chris: What I did? Oh, that I lied about my age to get into Indian bingo? Peter: Uh, no. Chris: That I had hard gas and pooed myself? Peter: Close, but still no. Stewie: How is that close?

Jayna: Form of Hawk! Come on Peter! Peter: Okay I'm coming! Form of Jayna's tampon! (Goes into Jayna's purse) And now we play the waiting game.

(Opening monologue in Law & Order style) Voiceover: In the television comedy world, the people are entertained by two separate, but equally important types of shows: traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of everyday situations, like trying to fix your own plumbing, or inviting two dates to the same dance, and animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.

Stewie: (to Chris, while leaning out of window with a face mask and hair curlers) Hey, do you have ANY idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Stewie: Can we stop by the grocery store? I want a granny smith apple.

Lois: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend? Chris: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all. Lois: Mrs. Lockhart?! Your teacher?! Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Lois: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher! Meg: Ew, gross! Stewie: You know what else is gross? (lets out a hard fart and his right eye turns red) Ahh! Broke a damn blood vessel!

Lois: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket, she's more respectful then that. Stewie: Yeah sure, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Girl: O Captain my Captain! Brian: Alright, be the best damn hooker you can be! 2nd Girl: O Captain, my Captain! Brian: In your case, I'd get the money up front.

Carlos: I'm Carlos, and beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn! And beneath that is a rapist. Samantha: My name is Samantha, and my water just broke! Brian: Oh my God! Tim: Yo, it's my turn to deliver! Girl: Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away!

Stewie: (Referring to Lois's breast, while being squashed between an embracing Peter and Lois) Just remember fat man, those jugs are mine till the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains.

Mrs. Lockhart: Chris, what do you see here? (Close-up camera shot of Mrs. Lockhart's breasts as she leans over the desk holding Chris' test) Chris: Two "D's" and an "F."

Brian: Aiight, aiight, so I'm chillin with my homies in Verona, when my homie busts out with "Yo, Romeo, check out that biatch, Juliet, in the window." The problem is, Juliet's peeps are like East Coast rappers, and my posse's representin' West Siiiide, just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm sayin? Student 1: That's racist man. Student 2: Yeah man, that's just straight ig'nant dawg.

Lois: You see, our son Chris, well... Peter: Wait, Lois, we have to handle this delicately. Mrs. Lockhart, our son....would like to plow you. Mrs. Lockhart: Oh, I had a feeling it was something like that.

Gym Teacher: Most of the time, the kids play out in the field, but if it's raining or I'm hungover, they stay inside and play dodgeball. Peter: Aw, I love dodgeball! Heads up! (Throws ball at man) Home Ec Teacher: This week in home ec, we're teaching your kids how to make bundt cakes. Peter: Aw, I love bundt cakes! Heads up! (Throws a bundt cake at man) Band Teacher: The school band offers a variety of instruments from the kettle drum to the trombone. Peter: Aw, I love the trombone! (Man is bracing himself) (Peter does a trombone solo) (Applause) Lois: (to the woman next to her) I know, isn't he wonderful? He took lessons in junior college. Peter: Heads up! (Throws trombone at man)