Chris (and various)
Lois (and various)
Meg (season 2+)
Peter / Stewie / Brian / Quagmire / Tom Tucker (and various)
This episode shows Vincent Van Gogh with his right ear cut off, but he really cut off his left ear.
Chris: Hi, everbody! What's for dinner? I'm starving!
Peter: My god, his bloodlust is unquenchable!
Chris: Why is everybody acting weird?
Lois: Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve.
Chris: What I did? Oh, that I lied about my age to get into Indian bingo?
Peter: Uh, no.
Chris: That I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter: Close, but still no.
Stewie: How is that close?
Jayna: Form of Hawk! Come on Peter!
Peter: Okay I'm coming! Form of Jayna's tampon! (Goes into Jayna's purse) And now we play the waiting game.
(Opening monologue in Law & Order style)
Voiceover: In the television comedy world, the people are entertained by two separate, but equally important types of shows: traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of everyday situations, like trying to fix your own plumbing, or inviting two dates to the same dance, and animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.
Stewie: (to Chris, while leaning out of window with a face mask and hair curlers) Hey, do you have ANY idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!
Stewie: Can we stop by the grocery store? I want a granny smith apple.
Lois: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois: Mrs. Lockhart?! Your teacher?!
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher!
Meg: Ew, gross!
Stewie: You know what else is gross? (lets out a hard fart and his right eye turns red) Ahh! Broke a damn blood vessel!
Lois: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket, she's more respectful then that.
Stewie: Yeah sure, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
Girl: O Captain my Captain!
Brian: Alright, be the best damn hooker you can be!
2nd Girl: O Captain, my Captain!
Brian: In your case, I'd get the money up front.
Carlos: I'm Carlos, and beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn! And beneath that is a rapist.
Samantha: My name is Samantha, and my water just broke!
Brian: Oh my God!
Tim: Yo, it's my turn to deliver!
Girl: Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away!
Stewie: (Referring to Lois's breast, while being squashed between an embracing Peter and Lois) Just remember fat man, those jugs are mine till the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains.
Mrs. Lockhart: Chris, what do you see here?
(Close-up camera shot of Mrs. Lockhart's breasts as she leans over the desk holding Chris' test)
Chris: Two "D's" and an "F."
Brian: Aiight, aiight, so I'm chillin with my homies in Verona, when my homie busts out with "Yo, Romeo, check out that biatch, Juliet, in the window." The problem is, Juliet's peeps are like East Coast rappers, and my posse's representin' West Siiiide, just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm sayin? Student 1: That's racist man.
Student 2: Yeah man, that's just straight ig'nant dawg.
Lois: You see, our son Chris, well...
Peter: Wait, Lois, we have to handle this delicately. Mrs. Lockhart, our son....would like to plow you.
Mrs. Lockhart: Oh, I had a feeling it was something like that.
Gym Teacher: Most of the time, the kids play out in the field, but if it's raining or I'm hungover, they stay inside and play dodgeball.
Peter: Aw, I love dodgeball! Heads up! (Throws ball at man)
Home Ec Teacher: This week in home ec, we're teaching your kids how to make bundt cakes.
Peter: Aw, I love bundt cakes! Heads up! (Throws a bundt cake at man)
Band Teacher: The school band offers a variety of instruments from the kettle drum to the trombone.
Peter: Aw, I love the trombone!
(Man is bracing himself)
(Peter does a trombone solo)
Lois: (to the woman next to her) I know, isn't he wonderful? He took lessons in junior college.
Peter: Heads up! (Throws trombone at man)
Brian as Mark Twain: I'd better catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s. (goes down "steps" behind his desk. Normal Brian pops up)
Brian: Hey, sorry I'm late. What did I miss?
Chris: Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here!
A scene from this episode was made for a sketch on MadTV.
When Peter is at parent/teacher night at Chris' school, the teacher asks for someone to pass out some papers. Peter's response of "Oh, oh, Ms. Clifton. Ms. Clifton!" is similar to Horshack in "Welcome Back, Kotter".
Stewie: I just had a dream I was an egg and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a former Survivor contestant and is now a co-host on The View.
The teacher Chris falls for is a reference to Pamela Smart who, in March 1991, seduced a sixteen-year-old boy and convinced him to kill her husband.
(Peter bursts into the classroom wearing a robe)
Peter: Jack. Twins. Swedish. My place. Now.
This is a reference to the show Three's Company (1977) where Jack lives with two women and pretends to be gay in front of his landlord. His friend Larry bursts into their apartment like Peter does in this scene.
Brian: Hello, I'm Mark Twain standing in for Brian Griffin.
Mark Twain was a famous author in the 1800s. He wrote Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Saywer.
Chris: Yeah, Cap'n Crunch was here!
Cap'n Crunch is a brand of cereal. It might be argued that the Cap'n looks like Mark Twain.
Dead Poet's Society
Students: "O Captain, My Captain"
The scene where Brian's students stand on their tables and say "O Captain, My Captain" is a reference to the final scene of the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society starring Robin Williams.
Law & Order
The opening scene is a parody of the opening scene from "Law and Order" and its many spin off shows.
Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High
The title is a reference the movie "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
You Can't Do That On Television
Peter: I Don't Know
In the 80s a Canadian sketch comedy show was all the rage, eventually exported to the US On Nickelodeon the program would feature various skits and gags including being slimed when someone would say "I Don't Know"
The name of the show was You Can't Do That on Television, and the picture of a man's face with the title of the show was how the original series transitioned into another sketch.
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