Family Guy

Dylan: Mom? What are you doing here? Peter: Tracy came because she wants you back. Don't you want your son back, Tracy? (Tracy vomits) What a joyous family reunion!

Dylan: I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born! If I had a gun, I'd shoot you all! (runs off) Peter: Well Lois, now we know what to get him for Chrstmas. (sing-song voice) I love the holidays!

Brian; So, Dylan... shouldn't you be in school? Dylan: I dunno. Brian: It's Wednesday. Dylan: Up yours! Stewie: Nice kid.

(Dylan walks in and smashes a vase with flowers against the wall) Peter: (Slightly annoyed) Something on your mind son? Dylan: Shut up! You're just a fat old bastard! Peter: Well not to get technical sir, but you are the bastard.(He laughs but only his head moves up and down)

Tracy: Brian, this is Dylan, he's (pause) your son. Stewie: Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Stewie: You need more than that, you need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show.
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Saw me in half.

Brian: Don't worry, I got it under control Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor. (conversation is heard over the monitor) Stewie: Hey Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec. Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude? Stewie: Oh just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here, now all I need is a tea bag. That something that interests you my friend? Dylan: You're weird. Stewie: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your f***ing pants off! Dylan: I'm outta here. Stewie: Huh, did you see that Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin huh? Gee whiz.

(After Dylan beats up the Evil Monkey) Chris: Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy... there is a lot of feces in here.

Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience. Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your Vag. Lois: What? Peter: What?

Stewie: Say Brian, now that I think about it, how can you possibly have a thirteen year old son, when you yourself are only seven? Brian: Well, those are dog years. Stewie: That doesn't make any sense. Brian: You know what Stewie, If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

Brian: Gosh, this is a... lovely home Tracy. Stewie: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Stewie: Brian, this is painful. It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American. (scene cuts to coffee shop) Guy #1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that disco-tech. They played one of my audience requests. Guy #2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital man. Guy #1: Oh you said it friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl. Guy #2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars forty!