Family Guy

Peter: What day is it? Lois: Thursday. Peter: Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm late! Lois: If you spent less time fixing your hair… Peter: No Lois, I'm late, late. Do we still have that pregnancy test? Lois: Are you insane? You can't have a baby. Peter: Well I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic. I thought you'd be happy!

Lois: Meg, Could you please change Stewie for me? Meg: Fine. But if a boy calls, please don't tell them I'm wrist deep in poopy.

Gloria: (to Lois) No wonder your husband didn't respect women. Lois: Excuse me? Gloria: I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be! Lois: (furiously) You bitch! (punches Gloria in the face)

Stewie: I say, if you cooked any slower... well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, would you?...Well, that wasn't very good.

Stewie: Ha-ha. The fat man made a funny.

Joe: Hey neighbors, where's your boat? Lois: We didn't take the boat, we took the mystery box. Hop in!

Quagmire: I'd do everything to you. Lois: What? Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.

Peter: Free Tibet? I'll take it! (at phone booth) Hello, China? I think I have something you may want, but it's gonna cost you. That's right, all the tea.

Gloria: Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harrasssment. Peter: Sarah, Sarah? I don't--oh, is she the one we video taped taking a dump?

Peter: Ok, here's the plan. I'll be Charlie and you can all be be my angels! Except you. You be Bosley.

Peter: At least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street who's getting a boat. Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat! Peter: Aw man, even Della Reese is getting a boat.

Peter: You wanna hear some horror stories, you wouldn't imagine what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant. (Shows Lois crying and throwing up in the toilet whilst Peter is watching TV. Peter looks over at Lois and he looks annoyed so he turns up the TV).

Peter: (choosing between a boat and a mystery box) A boat's a boat, but a mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. Lois: Then let's get the boa... Peter: We'll take the mystery box.

Peter: This comic sucks!. He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it.

Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Peter: Okay, okay, how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other!

Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calendar. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.

Peter: Women are not people. They are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Peter: Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talkin' to 'em

Peter: Hey Lois! What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? You call her Lois!

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.