Family Guy Season 5 Episode 17

Chris (moaning): Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?
Lois: Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Meg: Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?
Stewie: I don't think it's so bad, I feel rather like Mozart.
Brian: Hey Stewie, play Haydn.
(Stewie plays toy piano, Meg, Lois, and Chris laugh and clap)
Brian: Now play Handel.
(Stewie plays again, gets cheers from Meg, Lois and Chris)
Peter: Play Peter Griffin.
Stewie: Ah, now that is a challenge.

Stewie: Hey, you have a tattoo.
Brian: No I don't.
Stewie: Is that Ziggy? Is that a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: Aw, geez.
Stewie: Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: I just to used think he was kind of funny. We should get to the hospital.

Stewie: Brian, how many years have I been saying you and I should go berry picking?
Brian: A lot of years, Stewie.
Stewie: Wait a minute. Do you know where we are, Brian? This is a very special place. They say once every 100 years, in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist.
Brian: Ah, I think that's just a legend.
Stewie: Well that's because you're...look!

Peter: (About Quahog Lake's pollution)What kind of world is it when you can't even trust the oil companies anymore?

(Adam gasps)
Lois: What is it?
Adam: (quietly) A bee just flew in through the window. Don't move.
(The bee sits in the mayor's chair)
Bee: Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business; free honey for everyone! Yay, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee--OW! Oh, done stung myself. Bye world...

(the Griffins are heading to Quagmire's cabin)
Peter: This will be much better than that vacation we took with the Price Is Right yodeler
(cuts to scene where the Griffins are riding up the mountain with the yodeler)
Peter: Ok, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than three hundred bucks. Stop here! Don't listen to that fat tourist, she doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop!
(they go over the edge)
Peter: We should have gone to Plinko like Cleveland.

Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
Joe: Huh?
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
Joe: Ah.

Lois: Hey you guys.
Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois: What?
Chris: What?

Lois: And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog. Which is why I'm proposing a very modest tax increase that will help us to--
(crowd begins to boo loudly)
Man #1: No, no, no, that's awful, no, no, no, I'm not okay with that.
Man #2: (chanting) No new taxes!
Crowd: No new taxes! No new taxes! No new taxes!
Lois: But... what about the terrorists?
(entire crowd gasps)
Lois: That's right, terrorists. We have intelligence that suggests that... Hitler... is plotting... with, with the Legion of Doom... to assassinate Jesus. Using the lake as a base.

Tom Tucker: Well, the election results are pouring in, and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me Diane, when was the last time you--ah, forget it.

Chris: (rings doorbell, person answers) Hi, I'm going door to door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday?
(Camera pans to show Lois standing in the doorway)
Lois: Chris, this is our house.
Chris: Ah, then what is for dinner?
Lois: Pork chops.
Chris: Excellent.
Lois: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris: I have not.
Lois: Would you like to come in?
Chris: Please.

Lois: Oh you guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your hard work. It's really gonna make a difference with my campaign.
Peter: Hey Lois, take a look. I just made five hundred tee shirts that say "Vote For Lois, unless you're queer. No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

Tom Tucker: Good evening Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up, with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger, Lois Griffin.
Tom Tucker: Which leads many political analysts to ask the question: Can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just menstruate all over the city? Stay with us.