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Lois: (to Peter) Hey there sweetie! I got a wax this morning, and let's just say you're cleared for landing!
Quagmire: (off screen) Giggidy!
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Peter: (Walks into The Drunken Clam with Lois) Hey, who's workin' on a puzzle? 'Cuz I just found a hot piece!
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Meg: Dad, how can you be okay with Mom parading herself around like that? I mean, she's half-naked! It makes all women look bad.
Peter: Meg... who let you back in the house?
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Peter: Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you sure could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
Carter: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter: What? Are you sure you don't want more seamen on your poop deck?
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Peter: Hey, everybody, Meg just had her first period!
Joe: Peter, shut up! It's 3 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out here?
Quagmire: Dammit! People are trying to sleep!
Peter: I'm just saying she's a woman! Yay!
Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I'm exhausted!
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Stewie: That coffee mug that you have on your desk, it says life's a beach? umm, that's dangerously close to the word bitch isn't it?
Brian: Uhh, yeah that's the joke.
Stewie: Oh, absolutely! And nobody appreciates a little joke like Stewie, and you know between you and me I think it's a stitch, but some of the other employees found it offensive.
Brian: Other Employees? Who else works here besides me?
Stewie: F*ck you! That's who works here!
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Stewie: Brian, could you come in here for one second?
Brian: Yeah, what is it?
Stewie: (Sesame Street phone rings) Oh uh hang on one second. Yes, uh Grover what is it, this has to be quick, I am so pressed... Yes, the letter G is wonderful... Of course, and the number 6... Oh ok, ok, Gr, Grover, Grover, GROVER, GROVER, GROVER... you, you know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later... Oh uh oh alright, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.
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Founding Father: OK, we'll flip a coin. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Kakapoopoopeepeeshire.
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Sailor: (referring to Meg) What's that, captain?
Seamus: That's a manatee. Or what we call it in nautical terms: the sea cow.
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Peter: (Knocks out Carter Pewterschmidt) That's for giving me a book for Christmas. You're rich, you jerk!
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Peter: Lois, look at you! You look like Britney Spears. Except not a fat guy.
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Stewie: [talking to Brian] You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.
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Worm: You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks, I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach, and I still find Six Feet Under pretentious.
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Lois: I'm gonna become a model!
Peter: Hey that's fantastic Lois, and I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris: Me too!
Meg: Me Too!
Peter: Oh God Meg, that's SICK! That's your mother!
Meg: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter: Get out, get out of this house!
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Meg: Wow, this looks just like my room at home.
Lois: Yeah except for the all the trophies and pictures of friends.
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Talking to the maid
Stewie: So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine, or the one with the fancy hats?
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Carter Pewtershmidt: Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell.
Peter: Awww... You can read me like a book!