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Peter: The new bosses gave everyone raises. Even Kennith, the badass mail clerk with a heart of gold. (Flashback to Peter going up to Kennith) Hi Kennith. Hey, did I get any mail.
Kennith: No. (Points a knife at Peter) And if you come any closer, I'll slice you.
Peter: Okay. (Walks away) Geez, what a badass.
Employee: Yeah? Well that "badass" just gave half of his pay check to orphans. Orphans with diseases.
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Lois: Brian, can you pass me the TV guide?
Brian: Piss off.
Lois: What?
Brian: Sorry. It's been a long time since I've had a smoke. I'm just a bit testy. (To Meg) Stop staring at my tail!
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(Meg presses button)
Baby Smokes-A-Lot: (breathes in and puffs out smoke, then laughs) Tastes like happy!
Chris: Cool! That's imitateable!
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Peter: You should have seen the way they were treating me, Lois. I've never gotten that kind of respect before.
(Cut to Peter lifeguarding at a pool)
Peter: Good workout, Bobby.
Bobby: Up yours, sackbreath!
Peter: That's Mister Griffin.
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Chris: Can't we eat yet? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I guess I could ride him to the store.
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Peter: (About the Tobacco company) Don't worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with Chris.
(Flashback of Chris and Peter watching a whale at a sealife park)
Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's NOT for son, and then you'll understand why I can never go back to Seaworld.
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Peter: Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano: (watching the episode from her couch) What kind of cheap shot! (clenching her teeth and snapping her head back) Joel!
Joel: (motioning with his hand while seated at an office desk behind her) I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it.
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Lois: But Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Well, maybe it's because I can recite all fifty states in a quarter of a second. (yelping) ARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
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Executive: Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.
Peter: What about that graph on the wall that says: "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"?
Executive: That? That's just something my son made me in art class.
Peter: Then what about that post that says: "The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking"?
Executive: Look, we're a caring company.
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Peter: Uh, Mr. Weed, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And if you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday.
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(Peter calls Mr Weed)
Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work today. I was in a horrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable... See you tomorrow!
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Frank: Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies everywhere by finding the El Dorado cigarette company infinity billion dollars!
Congressman: That's the spirit Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective.
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Congressman: Cigarettes killed my father, and raped my mother.
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Peter: Oh, yeah, yeah, that plane crash I told you about... it turned out to be gas.
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Peter: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her.... smoking!