Family Guy

Peter: Are you training to be a jouster too? Mort: Yes. I'm trying to overcome my terrible fear of swords. A man in a pirate costume stabbed me in the ear when I was nine, and again when I was thirty!

Tom Tucker: And now here's Ollie Williams with the BlaccuWeather forecast. Ollie? Ollie Williams: It's gon rain!

Death's Dog: Hey, did someone choke on a roll in here? Brian: No, no, no. I spit it up. Death's Dog: Oh. (He leaves the house)

Tom Tucker: The crowd has fallen deathly ill.. silent.. sorry.

Peter: (To Lois, after she tells Peter that he should pursue his dream job.) You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and if you were cool with it, we would go from there, but this is a much better idea.

Peter: Hey, kids! Hey, you know what I do? I work at a toy factory and you know what I do there? Boy: I bet you're just one of those low-level assembly-line guys who stands there all day screwing heads on dolls. 'Ooh, is it on straight? I don't know.' Boooo! Peter: Why, you little snot-nosed... Teacher: Mr. Griffin! (Whispering to Peter) He plays kickball in the park after school. Get him there. (Aloud to the class) Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin?

Stewie: (to Meg, about Peter being dressed like a hooker) It's eerie, isn't it? It's like looking into the future.

Black Knight: You see kids your father is nothing but a fizzle! Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today ... only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

Stewie: How ya doin' there, Big Guy? You holdin' up okay? You wanna sooda? ...Ah, screw it, I tried.