Family Guy

Lois: Meg and I have been working at nights. (scene cuts to Meg and Lois in an alley dressed as hookers. Car pulls over) Man: I'll take the one in the right. Lois: (opens the car's door ) Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour.

Peter: Chris, I would give you a hug, but I'm exhausted for working two jobs for paying your scholarship. I've been selling buttscratchers-BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows Lois a tiny hand on a stick ) Lois: No, Peter. Peter: BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows buttscratcher to Lois again ) Lois: Peter, no! Peter: BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows buttscratcher to Lois once again ) Lois: NO! Peter: ( sad ) Buttscratcher...

(When reading a 1948 history text book) Lois: Israel. The brand new country everyones gonna love.

(Peter rings Quagmire at the ballet) Quagmire: Hello? Peter: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Whats up? Peter: I'm stuck at the stupid ballet. Quagmire: Get out of here! You serious? So am I. Peter: What? Quagmire: Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to nail. Peter: Where are you sitting? Quagmire: Look across at the other balcony. I can see you. Peter: Oh my God, we're both here! What do we do, what do we do? Quagmire: Oh my God, we should text each other. Hang up, Hang up. (Peter's phone vibrates, he reads the text) Peter: Heheheheheheh (Peter texts Quagmire back, Quagmire reads it) Quagmire: HA!!

(When at the ballet) Brian: Boy, this is gonna be long. So, ah, you kids develop any pot connections at your school yet? Chris: Huh? Meg: Yeah. Brian: Ah. Lois, Meg's just gonna take me outside to poop.

(Stewie follows Chris while playing his funny beat on his tuba) Chris: Cut it out! (Stewie keeps playing) Chris: I'm just trying to live my life! (Stewie keeps playing) Chris: No one taught me about carbs! (Chris trips, Stewie makes a flatulence sound)

Stewie: I got a job following fat people around with a tuba. (cuts to scene of Stewie plays a funny beat while following a fat man) Fat Man: Stop it! (Stewie keeps playing) Fat Man: Cut it out! (Stewie keeps playing) Fat Man: I have a glandular problem! (the fat man trips and Stewie makes a flatulence sound) Stewie: That'll be sixty dollars.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry Master Herbert. Herbert: Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet Pewterschmidt. Carter Pewterschmidt: Yes sir. (walks to the closet) Herbert: I am so tired of you.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures. Every president, every CEO, every douchebag named Ryan Seacrest.

Stewie: Yes, I shall attend this institution. Perhaps one day I can be more powerful than King Friday. (Scene to where Stewie becomes King Friday.) I am the supreme ruler of the neighborhood of make believe. All will kneel before my... (Trolley comes by and rings bell.) Oh, come on! What kind of freaking king lives next to the tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Principal: I suppose there is one thing I could do to raise the school's test average. Lois: Then do it! Principal: Oh right, we'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled! Chris: But if I leave now, I won't hear who is the dumbest kid in school.

Lois: They cut our school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. (Cuts to scene to signing of Declaration of Independence.) Man On Podium: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson? Thomas Jefferson: Here. Man on Podium: Benjamin Franklin? Benjamin Franklin: Here. Man on Podium: John Footpenis? John Hancock: It's Hancock now. Man on Podium: Why? John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why.

Bruce: Oh hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We're going to have a public show, we're going to have some jazz. No, I'm just kidding, we have some business to take care of though. I'm sorry I pulled y'all legs. I'm just a little excited because (high-pitched voice) I met somebody today. Someone in the book store. Someone who likes the same kind of literature as I do. Oh and the adventure begins again!

Stewie: Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will. (Cuts to scene with a Captain steering a ship filled with slaves.) Slave: Are we there yet? Captain: No. Slave: Are we there yet? Captain: No! Slave: Are we there yet? Captain: Damn it! I swear to God I will turn this ship around! Slaves: That works. Okay. That'll teach us a lesson. Yeah, that's even better. Captain: Oh right, (starts turning ship) if that's what you... wait a minute!

Peter: Lois, don't freaking put me through this again. Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked the Nutcracker didn't you? Peter: No Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And, and, with a name like the Nutcracker, I thought, oh, this would be worth a few yucks. But no Lois, that title wrote a check to those queers on stage refused to cash.

TV Announcer: We now return to, How I Met Your Father. Ted: Oh Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married. Barney: You know Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his twenties to always be talking about getting married rather than getting laid? Ted: Barney, I'm in love with you. Barney: (takes out a condom) Suit up. (They start making out.)

Lois: So, do you think your school would be right for Chris? School Guide: Oh, Absolutely. Quahog school for the deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. In fact, your just in time for our Homecoming Pep Rally. Guy: What are we gonna do to Lincoln! Crowd: Kill them! Guy: I can't hear you! Crowd: Kill them! Guy: I can't hear you! Crowd: Kill them! Guy: I can't hear you! Crowd: Kill them! Guy: I can't hear you! Crowd: Kill them! Chris: Lets just go.

Roger Chapstick: And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris. Virgil Mastercard: Well I love her politics but how is she in bed? Roger Chapstick: Well as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection.

Construction Worker #1: My son got into DeVry. Construction Worker #2: Oh, good. What'd he have to do, open the door? Construction Worker #1: (Sighs) Can't you let me have anything?

Instructor: Welcome to the Quahog maritime school Chris. Our curriculum consists of being on boats for long periods of time with men, just men, for many days at a time. Up on the deck with lots of men, or down in the galley with lots of men. Chris: Is this some kind of pirate school? Instructor: Well... a certain kind of pirate. Yes, we've been called that. Chris: I don't know... Stewie: Is there some kind of pre-school program?

Chris: Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day.

Stewie: You know Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia, and uh... seems to work out for them. So, hintidy hint hint.