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Tom: Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything?
Stacy: Go to hell Tom.
Tom: Already there hon.
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Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Handsome mustachioed man recaps news in pleasing baritone.
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Meg: Brian! Chris picked his nose, and now he keeps touching me with finger!
Chris: What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople?
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Lois: Hi, Boys.
Peter: I didn't have my hand down my pants!
Lois: Hmm...Good for you. I just bought you some new sheets at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Peter: Oh boy, I hope you stayed away from that "beyond" section.
(Scene of Peter pushing a shopping cart into a door labeled BEYOND.)
Peter: (through vortex) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh-- Oh, here are the coffee mugs...
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Tricia Takanawa: Diane, I'm standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside.
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Gepetto: Whoops, I dropped my glasses. (Bends down, butt facing Pinochio.) Oh, by the way Pinochio, there were some cookies missing from the jar. Uh, did you take them?
Pinochio: Yes papa, I did. I'm sorry.
Gepetto: Are you sure you did?
Pinochio: Yes, papa. I would never lie to you.
Gepetto: Are you sure? I mean, you could lie to me. And who knows? You may even get away with it.
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(Peter slowly raises up a comic book into his line of sight while he is driving.)
Peter: (to himself) Hehehehehe.....Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fella (car veers off the road). Oh geez! (Peter swerves the car back on the road and then slowly raises up the comic book again). Uh! He's gonna do it! Oh he is SO ridiculous--you hear me, you ridiculous man? (Car crashes into tree.)
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Stewie: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: What?
Brian: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did.
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Stewie: If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: (crying) I got hit by a baseball!
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(on top of Mount Rushmore)
Lois: Ooooh, Peter!
Peter: Yes!
Washington: Hey. Hey, Jefferson. Check it out - Chick getting nailed on my head.
Jefferson: Sweet! Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein!
Lincoln: Oh, ha-ha.
-
Congressman: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq.
Peter: Well that may be, but what we're all forgetting is anyone that doesn't want to go to war is gay.
Congressman: I want to go to war.
Congressman 2: I want to go to war.
All of Congress: I want to go to war.
Dick Cheney: I was the first one who wanted to go to war.
-
Tom Tucker: And now over to Ollie Williams for the blackie punishment forecast, Ollie?
Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie!
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Chris: (to Brian) I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian: Ow.
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Stewie: (laughs) How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? (laughs) Aft torpedoes, fire! (pees on Brian)
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Peter: Lois, I just got an idea! Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing!
(cut to that time, where Peter is a Moose man)
Peter: Uh, Lois, quick question, Do we have any Tylenol?
-
Peter: Everybody, I got bad news - we've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh, no. Peter, how can they do that?
Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like:
Dark Angel
Titus
Undeclared
Action
That 80's Show
Wonderfalls
Fastlane
Andy Richter Controls The Universe
Skin
Girls Club
Cracking Up
The Pits
Firefly
Get Real
Freaky Links
Wanda At Large
Costello
The Lone Gunmen
A Minute With Stan Hooper
Normal, Ohio
Pasadena
Harsh Realm
Keen Eddie
The Street
American Embassy
Cedric The Entertainer
The Tick
Louie
and Greg The Bunny.
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well, I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.
-
Lois: Honey, what do you say we christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, You naughty girl.
Lois: Hahaha, That's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler...you filthy stinky prostitute.
Lois: Okay I get it.
Peter: You foul venereal disease carrying street walking whore.
Lois: That's enough.
-
Meg: I wanna watch George Lopez!
Chris: That show only perpetuates the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.
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Peter: Christians don't believe in gravity.
-
Announcer: Let he who is without sin kick the first ass.
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Lois: Peter, there's a hooker on the bed!
Peter: Stay perfectly still, Lois, their sight is based on movement.
Hooker: Where'd ya go?