Family Guy

Season 3 Episode 4

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

Aired Sunday 9:00 PM Aug 01, 2001 on FOX
out of 10
User Rating
433 votes

By Users

Episode Summary

When a hurricane strikes Quahog, everything is destroyed except The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. As it happens, pub owner Nigel Pinchley and his family move in next door to the Griffins, and Stewie tries to teach Nigel's Cockney-accented 3-year-old daughter how to speak proper English.moreless

Who was the Episode MVP ?

  • Its Kewl

    I love the talent show flash forward
  • The Drunken Clam gets replaced by a British bar

    When a hurricane strikes Quahog, everything is destroyed except The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. As it happens, pub owner Nigel Pinchley and his family move in next door to the Griffins, and Stewie tries to teach Nigel's Cockney-accented 3-year-old daughter how to speak proper English. I thought this episode was superb. It was really not my favorite since there some boring parts, such as the beginning and the ending. However, the plot was handled great. I kinda liked Stewie's plot a little better than the guys' plot. All the parts in his plot were hilarious and I liked that musical number. As for the guys' plot, it was great, but a little boring. There were some laughs there, my biggest laughs was when Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe does the King of the Hill reference ("Yep, yep, yep, hmm-mm"). Overall, a superb episode of Family Guy.moreless
  • Terrible.

    When a hurricane strikes Quahog, everything is destroyed except The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. As it happens, pub owner Nigel Pinchley and his family move in next door to the Griffins, and Stewie tries to teach Nigel's Cockney-accented 3-year-old daughter how to speak proper English.

    What I liked:

    -Tricia Takinawa getting hit by the tree

    -The King of the Hill reference

  • Can someone explain the title?

    After a hurricane sweeps Quahog; their favorite bar is sold to the English and Peter and his friends are accused burning it down. Meanwhile; Lois tries to avoid the charms of a creepy Brit whose daughter, Stewie tries to make into a proper lady. Who would've thought that a natural disaster will prove to be the setting for one of the most consistently funny Family Guy episodes i've seen. Besides the endless British jokes and accents which prove just as effective as other stereotypes; but any other gag just bullseyed and couple that with a fun plot and it's a recipe for a winner. Special mentions go to the "cigarrette" gag, the nod to King of the Hill (it's about time!), the maniacal cockroach and of course the vacuum bit. In fact make it any joke where you can't sense the writer's begging us to laugh. This episode takes the correct step in avoiding any dramatic moments or falling back on a soppy ending; both seemed imminent at some points. Everything here is played for laughs and it's what people want from an animated comedy; if they wanted forced drama they'd tuen in to any channel during midday. Unfortunately, not everything in this episode works. There are some large - scale failures to balance out this episode's many triumphs; the most notable being the whole subplot involving Stewie and Eloiza. As far as comedy goes, it is painfully dull and not funny. Every time the scene shifts to these two brats, we witness a grinding halt to an otherwise smooth episode. We just wanted to say "Yes, we get it. My Fair Lady!". Also Nigel Pinchley is given too much time onscreen and his teeth, mannerisms and speech gets less amusing with each scene.

    One if by....blah, blah. Is really what Family Guy stands for and is one of the few times where we walk away from it satisfied.moreless
  • It wasn't funny at all.

    Although it is still a fairly worthwhile episode, this one was aboslutely dreadful in the humour department. That aspect of the show was 100% missing from this episode, which is my only criticism this time round.

    On to the positive side of the episode, which is that the storyline is interesting and that is what was the good part of this episode.

    I thought it was well thought of and I really enjoyed the storyline, which is always great!

    However, I don't think it is an episode that is really rewatchable, because it didn't provide any laughs at all.

    However, if you can get past that, it is still a worthwhile episode.moreless
Seth Green (I)

Seth Green (I)

Chris (and various)

Alex Borstein

Alex Borstein

Lois (and various)

Mila Kunis

Mila Kunis

Meg (season 2+)

Seth MacFarlane

Seth MacFarlane

Peter / Stewie / Brian / Quagmire / Tom Tucker (and various)

Hugh Laurie

Hugh Laurie

Bar Patron

Guest Star

Alan Shearman

Alan Shearman


Guest Star

Edward Asner

Edward Asner

Steven Bellows

Guest Star

Lori Alan

Lori Alan

Diane Simmons

Recurring Role

Johnny Brennan

Johnny Brennan

Mort Goldman

Recurring Role

Danny Smith (IV)

Danny Smith (IV)


Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (4)

    • Lois mistakes a globe for Bonnie's pregnant stomach, but Bonnie was wearing her normal dress, not a blue one.

    • The Union Flag displayed in the Clam's Head bar is inaccurate; the red saltire of St. Patrick is centered in the white St. Andrew's Cross instead of being staggered.

    • In the Tron parody there is a secret message that says "Your TV is upside down if you can read this." The message is indeed upside down.

    • The wood gag that Peter has doesn't physically work. It goes around his waist and the piece of wood is then parallel to Peter. When he takes it off, the thin side of the wood is twisted 90 degrees.

  • QUOTES (18)

    • Eliza: How do you do? I am ever so pleased you all could come. (pees in her dress and switches back to cockney) AWWW bloody 'ell!

    • Bartender: Evening, gents! How about a nice, warm lager?
      Englishman: And help yourself to a packet of crisps.
      Englishman Two: Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.
      Peter: Holy crap, it's a gay bar!

    • Tom Tucker: In a late breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria Jim...Jimen...Jimen-
      Diane Simmons: -Jimenez.
      Tom: I know what it is!

    • (Peter is punched in the face by a Queen's Guard)
      Peter: Hell, I thought you English guys never move.
      Guard: No. That's just our women.

    • Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys! Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!
      Cleveland: Quagmire. You forgot to say "oh".
      Quagmire: You sure? I think I did... Well, just to be safe. Oh!

    • Nigel: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the limey bastard who's purchased your bar. A bit of an awkward moment, really.
      Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.

    • Chris: Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy.

    • Cleveland: Look at all the damage!
      Peter: Thank God the open air debris garden is still intact!

    • Stewie: (slowly) The life of the wife was ended by the knife.
      Eliza: (Cockney accent) The loif of the woif was ended by the knoif.

    • Lois: Peter, I was up all night waiting for you, where were you?
      Peter: Where was I? Where were YOU?
      Lois: Out drinking. But I got back at two.

    • (Stewie mouths "f*&% you" to Brian)
      Brian: I'm telling.
      Stewie: No! Vacuum! I said "vacuum"!!

    • (Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe have discovered the destroyed Drunken Clam)
      Peter: This is horrible!
      Horace: You think this is bad? Try losing a testicle in a knife fight with your mother!

    • Steve: Well, well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead, you're all dead!
      Peter: Oh, good, he thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.

    • Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
      Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
      Stewie: Excellent and if I win?
      Brian: I wasn't betting, why don't you just shut up for about a week?
      Stewie: (pauses) You're on!

    • Peter: (to the British Guys) We kicked your ass in World War II and we can do it again!

    • Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

    • Peter: Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining. [pause] But, know, I don't know where I'm going with this.

    • Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
      Stewie: I was curious!

  • NOTES (3)

    • The syndication version of this episode cuts out Quagmire's pick-up line in the lesbian bar "Any of you girls been penetrated?" and his being thrown out on the street. The TBS and Adult Swim versions retain both

    • In the original airing of this episode, Fox cut out this after the British guy tries to explain cricket to the guys and they are confused.

      Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that 'fag' means cigarette.
      Peter: Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up!

      This line can be seen on the volume 2 DVD, and in repeats on the Cartoon Network.

    • Originally scheduled to air on July 25, 2000.

  • ALLUSIONS (10)

    • Tron

      The futuristic bike race is an allusion to the race sequence in the movie 'Tron'.

    • Time-Life books 70s ad The scene in which Joe pulls out a copy of Time-Life Book of Quohog Killers is a parody of an ad that Time Life Books ran in the 70s/80s for their book The Gunfighters. Quagmire's and Peter's lines are direct from the ad, and the ad was famous for mentioning John Wesley Hardin - a man so mean he once shot a man just for snoring.

    • Fosse

      When the boys are in jail practicing their dance for the prison talent show, the movements, hats and music are a nod to the Broadway show "Fosse", based on the choreography of dancer/actor/director Bob Fosse.

    • My Fair Lady

      The entire Stewie story is based on the play "My Fair Lady," in which two affluent British gentlemen make a wager that one can pass off a common flower girl as a princess. The songs are parodies of those in the musical My Fair Lady, which is based on play. In both the play and this episode, the girl's name is Eliza.

    • Escape From Alcatraz

      Peter is digging the side of the cell wall with a spoon trying to escape
      This is from the movie Escape from Alcatraz, where to escape from Alcatraz they used various devices to dig out parts of the wall, one of them being a spoon.

    • One If By Clam, Two If By Sea
      The title of the episode is based on the phrase "One if by land, two if by sea." This phrase originated from a poem called "Paul Revere's Ride" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. The literal meaning of the phrase is that Paul Revere is instructing a friend to hang one lantern from a church tower to signify the British are attacking by land and hang two lanterns to signify the British are attacking by sea.

    • Stewie: Psst - you, Dogbert. Down here, get a front row seat for this one.
      Stewie calls Brian "Dogbert," which is the name of Dilbert's dog from the Scott Adams comic strip Dilbert.

    • Peter: I've never been defeated...except once.
      The skit/flashback following this line is a parody of the 1982 Disney film Tron.

    • Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire, Peter: Yep. Yep. Yep. Mmm-hmm.
      When they have no bar to go to, Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire, and Peter all stand by the curb drinking cans of beer and speak the above quotes, just like Hank Hill and his friends on King of the Hill.

    • Jail guy: I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'!
      When Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are walking into jail, two of the jail guys are taking bets on them, and one of them bets on "the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'." This sequence is also used in "The Shawshank Redemption."

  • 10:00 pm