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Bartender: Evening, gents! How about a nice, warm lager?
Englishman: And help yourself to a packet of crisps.
Englishman Two: Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.
Peter: Holy crap, it's a gay bar!
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Tom Tucker: In a late breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria Jim...Jimen...Jimen-
Diane Simmons: -Jimenez.
Tom: I know what it is!
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(Peter is punched in the face by a Queen's Guard)
Peter: Hell, I thought you English guys never move.
Guard: No. That's just our women.
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Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys! Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!
Cleveland: Quagmire. You forgot to say "oh".
Quagmire: You sure? I think I did... Well, just to be safe. Oh!
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Nigel: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the limey bastard who's purchased your bar. A bit of an awkward moment, really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
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Chris: Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy.
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Cleveland: Look at all the damage!
Peter: Thank God the open air debris garden is still intact!
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Stewie: (slowly) The life of the wife was ended by the knife.
Eliza: (Cockney accent) The loif of the woif was ended by the knoif.
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Lois: Peter, I was up all night waiting for you, where were you?
Peter: Where was I? Where were YOU?
Lois: Out drinking. But I got back at two.
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(Stewie mouths "f*&% you" to Brian)
Brian: I'm telling.
Stewie: No! Vacuum! I said "vacuum"!!
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(Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe have discovered the destroyed Drunken Clam)
Peter: This is horrible!
Horace: You think this is bad? Try losing a testicle in a knife fight with your mother!
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Steve: Well, well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead, you're all dead!
Peter: Oh, good, he thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.
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Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting, why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: (pauses) You're on!
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Peter: (to the British Guys) We kicked your ass in World War II and we can do it again!
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Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
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Peter: Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining. [pause] But, um...you know, I don't know where I'm going with this.
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Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!