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Peter: Hey Meg, uh, we're trying to make some money and, um, would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me?
Meg: Uh. Wow. Sure.
Peter: Aw. Fantastic.
(Carter hits Meg with a lamp)
Peter: What the hell was that for?
Carter: Now we've got the pot and the money.
-
Betty White: (as Peter opens the door) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.
-
Peter: You can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarressed of mooching off your kids at age seventy.
Carter: Go to hell, fathead! Wait, have I used that one? No I haven't. Go to hell, fathead!
-
Cleveland: What are you lookin' at, Joe?
Joe: (about a box of blow-up dolls) These dolls all look really surprised. I wonder what they're so shocked about. What? you've never seen a guy in a wheelchair before?!
Cleveland: They're polyurethane sex toys. They're not capable of judgment. And even if they were, who cares? They're whores!
-
Carter: I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me!
-
Mort Goldman: I look forward to having a raging semi!
-
Cleveland: I'm no school administrator, but there's an extension program going on in my trousers.
-
Brian: Wow Peter that's a book isn't it? That's the first time I've seen you reading something that didn't later turn out to be a sandwich.
-
Quagmire: That's the exit. Of course in this place, every exit's also an entrance.
-
Quagmire: Guys, this is the best dirty book store in town; Family owned, great hours, and lots of parking in the rear!
-
Peter: (singing in Dawson's Creek tune)
Da da da da da da
Da da da da da da
I don't wanna wait
For my lunch to get colder
Da da da why can't I eat it now?
I don't wanna wait
Da da da the new Toyota
I want a car that has a lot of gas...
-
Peter: Carter, hand me my thinking grenades!
Carter: (Hands Peter grenades) Peter where did you get these?
Peter: Shhh! Carter, I'm thinking!
(Throws grenade out window and it explodes.)
Peter: Uh huh.
(Throws a second grenade and it explodes.)
Man: (outside) Oh my God! He's dead!
Peter: (oblivious to his actions) That might work.
(Throws another grenade and it explodes.)
Man: (outside) What's happening?
Peter: I've got it!
-
Peter: Hi Mr. Pewterschmidt!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Hello, Peter.
Peter: What's up?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Good...oh dammit...I mean...not much.
Peter: Whatcha got there?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh this? It's a gun.
Peter: Oh yeah?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Yeah, I'm going to kill you.
-
Carter Pewterschmidt: Huh! Didn't realize Greenberg was a Jedi name.
-
(A car has just crashed through the wall of Kool-Aid Man's house)
Kool-Aid Man: Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.
-
(at Peter's book signing)
Girl: Hi! Would you be offended if I told you that your prose suggests a male, working class version of Emily Berate?
Peter: No. Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?
Girl: Yes
Peter: Well then we....are on two....different....wavelengths.
-
(from an audio tape of Peter's book)
Betty White: Welcome to Peterotica on tape. I'm Betty White reading "The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish" by Peter Griffin. Chapter one, Oh god, you should have seen this one hot chick. She was totally Italian...or maybe some kind of Spanish.