Family Guy

Brian: I can't believe you went to that much effort just to sabotage me. You're a jerk, you know that? Peter: Listen, at least I wasn't trying to change the name of the school to impress my girlfriend. Brian: Now that is not true! Peter: Oh yeah? Why'd you pick Martin Luther King? Huh? Why not, uh, Ronald Reagan? He was always fun. Especially in his later years. (cut to Ronald Reagan standing outside of a McDonald's) Ronald Reagan: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down! Reagan Smash! (starts punching wall) Reagan Smash! (cut to the inside of the McDonald's) Worker: What's that? Worker 2: Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave if alone, he'll tire himself out. (cut to outside, where Ronald Reagan is laying in a fetal position) Ronald Reagan: Reagan sleepy.

Brian: What happened to your good buddy James Woods? Peter: He was having trouble catching things in his mouth. What happened to your girlfriend? Brian: Same problem. Peter and Brian: WHOA! (they both laugh)

Shauna: (to Brian) Nothing cuter than a nervous white dog.

Peter: If I drive, I'll have to have a couple of drinks first because I am very self-conscious about my driving.

(Brian sticks his hand in Mayor West's bag of popcorn) Brian: What the hell is this. Mayor West: It's creamed corn. I brang it from home because I don't like the creamed corn thay have here. It's to crunchy.

Peter: I don't care, girl's are stupid anyway.

Meg: Will you guys just stop fighting. GOD! Chris: What's wrong with Meg? Lois: Oh, it's just her time of the month. A Sheep: Not again!

Peter: Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo! Stewie: Yes, I see you, fat man. Peter: Where's daddy? (covers eyes) Stewie: What? (looks around) Where did you go?!! Oh, this is impossible! I can hear you, but I can't see y--well, he must really be gone. (picks nose) Peter: (removes hands from eyes) Peek-a-boo! Stewie: Ah! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my--(Peter covers his eyes again) oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.

James Woods: (shouting at Peter) I'LL ACT THE WAY I WANNA ACT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!

Peter: Me, go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high? Lois: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we're out of chips, cookies and Funnybones.

I Have James Woods Song Peter: Someone to care for To be there for I have James Woods James Woods: Someone to do for Follow through for You have James Woods Peter: Someone to share Joy or despair with, Whichever betides you James Woods: Life becomes a chore Peter & James Woods: Unless you're living for Peter: Someone to tend to Be a friend to I have James Woods James Woods: Someone to strive for Do a dive for You have James Woods Peter & James Woods: It's true We two Have a likewise point of view James Woods: 'cuz James Woods Has you Peter: And I have James Woods, too!

Peter: Boy, I haven't been this creeped out since I saw that episode of Star Trek. (animated Enterprise-D) Captain Picard: Number One, if I were to whisper in your ear that Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh? Commander Riker: Yeah, I could get in on that. Captain Picard: All right, here it comes... (yells) Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny! (everyone but Worf laughs) Worf: You can both suck my ridges!!! Captain Picard: Oh, get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis!

Lois: Oh by the way Bonnie, we just finished reading the Davinci Code at my book club, you were right, its terrific! Stewie: OH let me guess, some flowery 300 page menopausal, masturbatory aid.

Stewie: Ah, Brian on a date hmm, that'd be more pathetic than that game of marco polo I played with Helen Keller.

(After Brian and Peter trap James Woods in the box) Peter: That better not be me in the box again or I'll be pissed off!