Family Guy

Peter: (dressed as a clown) Hey kids. I'm Pee Pants, the inebriated hobo clown. I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing and eats out of your garbage can.

Francis: (laying in hospital bed) Peter, come closer. There's something..I need to say to you. Peter: I'm here dad, what is it? Francis: Peter..you're a fat stinking drunk. (dies)

Peter: Is this Mcswiggen village? Irishman: Ah, that it be. Dibble the man who says a word aggin it! Peter: Is that a yes or a no?

Stewie: (going through Lois's closet) That's mine, and this mine... (picks up a board game) "Hot Monogomy, the board game for failing marriages". Dare card: "Do a striptease in front of your husband, and see how long it takes for him to get a bon-er". What's a bon-er?

Brian: Where'd you get crack? Peter: From Blacks. Brian: What? Peter: I got it from behind Blacks Hardware Store. There's a white guy selling it.

O'Brian: I have twenty on the fat one. Brian and O'Brian: Which one's the fat one!? (they both laugh).

Pilot: Welcome to Ireland, we'll be landing in 5 minutes. Peter: This is quite a country, Brian. You know Ireland has more drunks per capita than people. Brian: Oh that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do. (Plane lands on runway covered entirely in empty beer bottles)

Micky McFinnegan: As we say in Ireland: Let us drink until the alcohol in our systems destroys our livers and kills us.

Mickey McFinnegan: Top of the mornin' laddies. Let me cut ya an Irish Rose (Farts, and then Starts hitting his hand on the table while laughing)

Peter: All I know is that in Ireland there is a fat bastard who looks just like me.

Meg: Be careful daddy. I love you. Peter: That'll do pig. That'll do.

Peter: Ah man, I hate kids birthday parities. This is going to be worst then that time I was stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport Airport Employee: May I have your name please? Robert Loggia: Robert Loggia Airport Employee: Can you spell that for me? Robert Loggia: Certainly, that's Robert Loggia… R as in Robert Loggia O as in oh my God! It's Robert Loggia B as in By god that's Robert Loggia E as in everyone loves Robert Loggia R as in Robert Loggia T as in Tim look over there it's Robert Loggia SPACE L as in look it's Robert Loggia Peter: (sighs)

"Drunken Irish Dad": Peter: Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring. And he never taught me anything. But still, I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad. Oh, his face looks like a railroad map And he never shuts his freakin' trap. Mickey: But all the ladies catch the Clap from your drunken Irish dad! Peter: Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morris, and Chaunacy, Riven, and Rudy, they'll tell you the same. McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter, and Clooney all feel the same mixture of pride and of shame. Mickey: Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly, and Flanagan look to the ground when their dad passes by. Hafferty, Rafferty, Joyce, and O'Lafferty fight for his honor and then start to cry! Both: Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm And our moods infect us like a germ, Because we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm! Mickey: And we don't tan well either. Both: From our drunken Irish dad!

(after Peter beats his dad at drinking) Mickey: My God, nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink. Peter: Now do you believe that you're my dad? Mickey: Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle that much of the creature. You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh all right.

O'Brian: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

Lois: You really gotta stop misbehaving, you're gettin on mommy's nerves. Stewie: Well, you know what will ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch. Lois: (sighs) It's all right, I'll get some Windex. Stewie: Come on, discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eyes, violate me with a wine bottle, my god I really have problems don't I?

(After Lois spanks Stewie) Stewie: I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. 1st Thug: She is messed up man. Stewie: Shut up! Just Shut up! Let me (bleep) think!...Push her out! 2nd Thug: We can't leave her alone. Stewie: Push the bitch out!

Lois: Should we just ask how old she is? Peter: That'd be kinda awkward, huh? Hey, may be we should just cut off her leg and count the rings?

Lois: Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. Brian: It is a tragedy. Lois: Excuse us. Brian: Yeah, we'll be right back. (Lois and Brian are in front of the house celebrating, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and Lois punches him, then they return.) Lois: We're all going to miss him. Brian: Tragic.

Asian Santa: (really fast) What you want? What you want for Christmas? Stewie: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old timey... Asian Santa: (really fast) Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! (throws Stewie and an Asian kid comes) What you want? Asian Kid: (really fast) Fire truck! Asian Santa: What color? Asian Kid: Red! Asian Santa: Next. (throws kid)

(Camera cuts to Quagmire and three girls) Quagmire: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper. So the guy orders a grasshopper. Then, he's walkin' home, and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper says "You mean there's a drink named Irving?" (Quagmire and the girls all laugh) Quagmire: So which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound? Meg: That's not right. Peter: So... less...? more...? Too many...? Not enough...? Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am! Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it? Meg: I'm going to be 17, you jerks! (Meg leaves her room) Peter: She's the jerk.