Family Guy

Betty: Is that Brian? Oh, and you brought a little friend. Well, I bet you're a hungry little fella. Stewie: Yes, I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!

Brian: Listen kid, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Stewie: Ugh, you're not coming out of the closet, are you? Why does everyone always come out to me?

Stewie: (while riding Brian) Walk slower, dog! My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon!

Chris: Okay, Meg. I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not kitty. Can you guess what it is? Meg: (annoyed) Is it kitty? Chris: Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

Chris: Hey! Meg! Guess what word I'm thinking about right now. And it's not kitty. Meg: (annoyed) Car. Chris: No. Meg: (annoyed) I don't know, apple? Chris: No, give up? Meg: (annoyed) Yeah. Chris: It was kitty! (laughs)

(Brian and Stewie buried Brian's mom) Brian: Say something. Stewie: What? Brian: Just say something please. Stewie: For god's sake. Um... "Yea, and God said on to Abraham, 'You will kill your son Isaac'. And Abraham said, 'I can't hear you, You'll have to speak into the microphone.' And God said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better? Check, Check, Check. Jerry pull the high end out I'm, getting some hiss back here.'" Brian: Say something about my mother! Stewie: Oh yes, I'm sorry. I never knew Biscuit as a Dog, but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the same length... Brian: Thanks. That's enough. Stewie: Yes. Requiem in Terra Pax, and so forth. Amen.

(They are playing 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon in a stolen car) Stewie: ... Montgomery Clift, who was in From here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster, who was in Atlantic City with Susan Sarandon, who was in White Palace with Kevin Bacon. There. Brian: Nice. Nice. Except that was James Spader in White Palace. Moron. Stewie: Oh, Mr. Snippy. Brian: Look, I just need some time to think. Alright? Stewie: Oh, yes. You have got lots to think about, haven't you? Public Drunkeness, Grand Theft Auto... Brian: You left out the part where I made you smash you're head against the winsheild. Stewie: Huh, I don't recal... (Brian slams on the breaks, which propells Stewie forward into the windsheild) Stewie: Well, I suppose I walked right into that one.

(Stewie is trying to sleep in the motel. Brian has passed out from the alcohol. Stewie wakes up because there are two men on the other side of the wall talking) Thug 1: You got the stuff? Thug 2: Yeah, I've got it, Where's the money, Huh? I want to see the money. Thug 1: No, no, no. You don't see the money until I see the stuff. Stewie: Oh for god's sake, there is only one way to put an end to this nuisance. (Yells) HE'S WEARING A WIRE! Thug 1: What? You son of a... (There is gunfire, as bullet holes appear in the walls. Then you hear a body drop to the floor. Stewie yawns and goes back to bed).

Stewie: Hello, operator? Oh god, that's right. You have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should now this... ah yes... (punches numbers) 867-5309. Now wait, that's not it. Damn you Tommy Tutone! Well, there is only one thing to do... (punches numbers) 111-1111, Lois? Damn! (punches numbers) 111-1112, Lois? Damn! (punches numbers) 111-1113...

Redneck: I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly, you're fired! Pilot: But Pa, you can't fire me! Redneck: You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you.

Stewie: (being licked by Brian in his sleep) Ooh! That's it, Mister Giraffe, get all the marmalade...

Brian: (In a drunken voice) I'm, I'm not drunk, alright? I just have a speech impairment. (throws up) And a stomach virus. (falls off the barstool) And an inner ear infection.

[On a train trip back to Rhode Island, Brian & Stewie start singing] Both: We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're having the time of our lives Stewie: Take it, dog Brian: We're quite a pair of partners Just like Thelma and Louise Except you're not six feet tall Stewie: And you're breasts don't reach your knees Brian: Give it time Both: We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're certainly going in style Brian: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants Stewie: How dare you! At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants Brian: Oh, pee jokes Both: We've traveled a bit and we've found Like a masochist in Newport, we're Rhode Island bound Brian: Crazy travel conditions, huh? Stewie: First class and no class Brian: Whoa, careful with that joke, it's an antique Both: We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're not gonna stop till we're there Brian: Maybe for a beer Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry Stewie: That's right Until we're syndicated, FOX will never let us die, please? Both: We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing Brian: We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass Stewie: We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Brian: Yikes Both: We certainly do get around Like renegade Pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony We're Rhode Island bound Or like a group of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown We're Rhode Island bound!

Stewie: Go on, hot wire it! Brian: Hot wire? I don't even pump my own gas.

Hotel manager: Open up or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit dead-beats with bad credit cards. Well, it's not an instrument, it's more of an object, but it's blunt, hard and blunt, and well ... it's kinda like a bat. I found it out back one day when I was raking.

Girl: (next to Brian at a bar) I think you've had about enough. Brian: Well, I... I think you're wrong, you... you increasingly attractive looking woman. You know, you're... you're really pretty. Girl: Oh, stop! Brian: No. I'm... I'm serious... You could... you could be in magazines. You could! And not just Juggs or Creamsicle... (Lady walks away) Brian: Call me! Brian: (Looks at bartender) She won't call.

Stewie: You remember that episode of the Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life and Greg became his slave? Brian: Yeah. Stewie: Good. It's on tonight. Tape it for me, and put a nice label on it.

Brian: Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets. Yeah, apparently you can do that.