Family Guy Season 9 Episode 7

Pooh: Come on Eeyore, let's go play.
Eeyore: I don't feel like it.
Pooh: Why are you always in such a bad mood?
Eeyore: I have a nail in my anus.
Pooh: Oh...

Peter: Joe, did you get any Christmas presents?!
Joe: NO!
Quagmire: Me neither!
Mort: I got eight mediocre things.

Ron MacFarlane: Hi, I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father, and I'm here to tell you about a very special Christmas in Quahog. Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this.

Stewie:: You can't joke me when it come to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a ferris wheel here and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole, except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder!
Brian:: What?
Stewie:: Yeah, because he can have anyone he wants and she knows that!

Stewie:: This can't be it. This can't be Santa's workshop. This looks like Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Brian:: Oh boy, get ready for the letters.
(cuts to a man from Bridgeport writing a hate letter)
Bridgeport Guy:: "Dear Family Guy Bastards, Who the hell do you think you are?! I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my s**t, Jew writers!"

Stewie:: What the hell? Why isn't the line moving?!
Brian:: I dunno. It's always the same thing; some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day.
(cuts to Peter sitting on the mall Santa's lap)
Peter:: (giggles) And I want a Charles in Charge lunchbox and I want a Magna-Doodle, and a new Uno game on a-'cause I lost the "Draw Two" card, and I want a pet animal that's half chinchilla and half mink, 'cause it'd be really soft and I could call it "Chink" and that's okay.