Family Guy

Stewie: Oh dear, look where my hand is. I said look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place. (Brian sees that Stewie has his finger up his nose) Does this not disgust you? Brian: Kid you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Brian: What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Stewie: (laughing) Oh, yes. Yes. That's it. That's quite good. I miss my mommy. I also miss colick and rectal thermometry. Brian: Whatever you say... Mama's boy. Stewie: Blast!

Peter: (reading speech papers) A parent giving porno to their kid is a terrible thing, but I'm here to tell you I'm innocent. (The people in the audience begin to disbelieve him.) I didn't give those magazines to my son. My wife... my wife… Lois (His perspective--The people in audience morph into Lois, then see's Lois in the audience.) Lois! (He then sees James Carville.) Ahhh! (ditching speech papers) Aw, crap. My wife Lois is the most important person in the world to me. I gave my son those magazines. Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap and tawdry. I just wanted to win so bad. But now I know there are some things more important than winning. Lois I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Lois: (with a respectful look) Oh, Peter. (She runs to the podium to kiss Peter and give him a hug.)

Brian: Uh, you guys, Chris's principal just called. Chris is in trouble. Studio Audience: Oooooh. Peter: Oh, that's it, I'm calling the cops.

Cleveland: There's quite a crowd outside. I haven't seen pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli, where prices were so low, they were ridiculous.

Peter: (About the School) When I'm done, our students will be so smart, they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Peter: Ooh. (Grabs half of sandwich and holds it to his nose) I'm Lois. Look at me with my bright ideas and my pointy nose. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Stewie: (thinking to himself) Splendid. How delightful it would be to have mother back. Brian: (thinking) I heard that. Stewie: (thinking) Damn!

Stewie: You should be out there giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! (Lois kisses Stewie) Stewie: Not THIS baby!

Man: My Lord! All these kids are looking at pornography! Tricia Takanawa: What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth? Boy: Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad. (crowd stares at Peter)

(Chris and Meg are watching the campaign on television) Chris: Go, Dad! Meg: (turning to Chris) He can't hear you. Chris: (yelling at the television) Go, Dad!!!

Peter: (during the debate) Well, I-I have always cared deeply about young people. As a rich college bound student I once joined some underprivileged youths in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping mall. (crowd cheers) Lois: Peter, that wasn't you. That was Adolfo "Shabba-Doo" in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo! You watched that last night... (crowd boos)

Peter: Hey, Lois, what's with the sign? Lois: Peter we discussed this, I'm running for school board. You never listen to me. Peter: Oh yeah, I remember. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire. (pauses) Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?

Peter: Well, a lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign. But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand.

Peter: Lois, you've left me no choice but to beat you the only way I know how. By killing you!...in the race for schoolboard president.

Peter: I know, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time now and I'm the man.

Lois: A woman is not an object. Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Lois: Peter!