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Man on TV: Rosebud. (The screen then cuts to Peter talking into the camera) Peter: It was his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There, I just saved you two long boobless hours.
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Peter: Brian, I am very disappointed in you. I'd turn my back on you but I've seen what do in that situation.
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Teacher: In French, when you want to say "yes", you say "oui, oui!"
Peter: You gotta be kidding me! Oh my god, that is hysterical. Oh, man. Hey, what do you say for "no"? "Doo Doo"? Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes"!
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Lawyer: Mr Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin: Problem Drinker or African-American Haberdasher?
Peter: Uh, do I-I guess problem drinker, but that's uh-
Lawyer: Thank-you. Now: Sexual deviant or magic picture that if you stare at it long enough, you see something?
Peter: Well, sexual deviant, but that other one's not even, eh-
Lawyer: Thank-you.
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Peter: Your honor, Brian'll be a great dad. Hell, if I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice-cream is...
Brian: Chocolate Chip.
Peter... and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Good Night Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is...
Brian: Stan Thompson.
(Cuts to Meg and Chris, Meg has headphones on listening to music)
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Stewie: (to Brian) I am going to kick...your...ass!
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Peter: (to Brian before he gets neutered) I am not looking forward to what you're going to be like once they do this to you.
(In Peter's imagination)
Brian: (overweight and eating a box of chocolates) I LOVE chocolate...but I can't eat it because then I'll get fat. But it's SOOOO good!
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Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you.
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Peter: Hey, anybody got a quarter?
Bill Gates: What's a quarter?
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Hotel Manager: And this is the bathroom, but watch out we got some bad roaches here.
Red Roach: Hey, you're on our turf man!
Green Roach: Hey mana, I'll cut you, I'll cut you up so bad you, you gonna wish I no cut you so bad!
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Hotel Manager: I blame the schools.
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Peter: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today.
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Meg: Oh, my God!
Mr. Pewterschmidt: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No,no he's just awkwardly positioning himself--oh now he's violating Seabreeze.
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Ted Turner: Are aces high or low?
Peter: They go both ways.
Bill Gates: Hah! He said they go both ways.
(They all laugh)
Ted Turner: Like a bisexual.
Michael Eisner: Thank you Ted, that was the joke.