Family Guy

(thinking Lois is cheating on him with her old boyfriend) Peter: I saw you and him the other day, breaking the Fifth Commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois!

(After Brian gets off the phone) Stewie: Well? Brian: The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes two weeks for delivery. Stewie: You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight? Brian: You can not tell Lois about this. Stewie: Oh, and what if I do? Brian: I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress. Stewie: You said there was no film in that camera!

(A policeman pulls over Brian) Policeman: You were going sixty-five fella, that's ten miles over the- (he notices Brian and Stewie holding hands) Why are you holding that infant's hand? Stewie: We met on the internet. Brian: Shut up! Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories. Brian: Officer, you ever hear of that super-industrial adhesive? (The policeman turns to show another policeman stuck on his back) Second Policeman: Actually, yes, we have.

Peter: (Tries a free sample of sausage) Mmm, delicious! I will seriously consider purchasing this product! (Peter leaves, a woman tries a sample, then what looks like Peter in a fake nose/glasses walks up) Fake Nose/Glasses Peter: Ooh, what have we here? May I partake? (Tries some, then leaves. A man tries some, then an Oriental Peter appears) Oriental Peter: Ah, sausage-san! Plan to buy great amount for samurai buddies! Vendor: Sir, you don't have to keep moving to the back of the line. You can take as many as you like. They're free! Oriental Peter: What are you talking about? (Fake Nose/Glasses Peter and Peter walk up behind him) Fake Nose/Glasses Peter: Hey, can I have some more sausage? Peter: Yeah, me too!

Girl In Well: Help! Stewie: It rubs the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again.

(Peter is standing in front of a mirror) Lois: Oh, look at that handsome man! Peter: (angrily) You son of a bitch! (punches the mirror)

Peter: (while teaching Chris how to hula) No! It's step, hip, step pivot! Are you trying to piss off the volcano?!

Peter: C'mon, let's go drink 'til we can't feel feelings anymore.

Lois: Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. Today he was raking the yard. God I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves. (Whole family laughs) Meg: (Walks into the room) Hey what's everyone... Oh my God! You're reading my diary! I hate you all! (Runs away screaming and crying) Peter: (Opens beer) Keep going!

Peter: (runs towards the movie screen and punching it) Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Chris: Don't do it, dad! He's bigger than you!

Quagmire: (thinks to self) God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Man: There's a little girl stuck in that well. Unfortunately no one's arms are long enough to reach her except for that one guy, but he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: (to Peter) You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met... and I have never been more turned on in my life. (kisses Peter) Lois: (running up to Jennifer Love Hewitt) Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I won't stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! Jennifer Love Hewitt: What's your problem, Grandma? Lois: You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! (knocks Jennifer down) And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Peter: (about Lois knocking Jennifer down) Wow! That was cool, Lois. Lois: Gosh! I guess I finally understand... (gets hit with a chair by Jennifer) Lois: (pulls Jennifer Love Hewitt's hair, and kicks her) Yeah, you better run, you little bitch! (to Peter) I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes. Seeing her kiss you like that just made me crazy. I guess we're just gonna have to learn to control our jealousy together.

(Stewie watches Brian licking himself) Stewie: UGH!! What the hell do you think you're doing?! Brian: I'm cleaning myself. Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago. Now you're just on vacation.

Peter: Ahh. Hey, waiter, that sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, that's only for the staff isn't it? Waiter: Technically yes, but - Peter: Great, thanks.

Peter: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois? Chris: Dad, I think she went out. Peter: Alright then you be Lois. Chris: Okay. Peter: Hey Lois, can you get me a be...oh my God, you've really let yourself go! Chris: Well maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!

Marriage Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother. Except somebody will be watching.