Family Guy

Lois: (Holds up a "Church of the Fonz" poster) Peter, you've been posting these all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy. Peter: Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? Oh, I'm sorry, Lois, that was uncalled for. But that's what you get when you challenge someone's beliefs.

Brian: Do you really think that splashing "magic water" on Stewie is gonna keep him out of hell? Francis: Shut your heathen trap, or else you'll be gettin' a taste of me fist! Brian: That's very christian. "Believe what I say, or I'll hurt you". Francis: Now you're getting it! (Punches Brian)

Francis: (To Peter after the Church of the Fonz scene) Peter, your religion is an abomination! I never thought you could humiliate me more in a church than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding! (Cuts to a wedding scene) Priest: And if anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, let them speak now. (Silence for a few seconds) Peter: Really? No one here's gonna say it? It has to be me? (Sighs) All right. (Shouts) GENITAL WARTS!

Chris: Wow, Stewie's more wound-up then when dad was on steroids (Flashback of the family sitting at the table, Peter is bulked up) Lois: Peter, can you please pass the potatoes? Peter: (Peter spills the potatoes) Aaaargh! dammit Meg! (Punches Meg)

(Lois is changing Stewie in the bubble but has left him to answer the phone) Stewie: Hey! Finish the job, idiot! For God's sake there's no ventilation, it smells like Brian Dennehey in here. Brian: I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass. Stewie: Hey Gaybo, (points to his eyes) I'm up here, up here.

Diane: Also in the news some trouble at Saint Phillips church. Tom: That's right Diane, a shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy. Diane: Sounds dangerous Tom, Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen. Tom: Well at least you're in no danger Diane since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half dead newborns on the back step. Coming up how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.

Peter: If we get Stewie baptised, you and all other old people have to acknowledge and be aware that there's crap in the corners of your mouth. Francis: I'll think about it.

Chris: All right, Dad! This used to be an old barn, but thanks to you, now it's an old barn with a sign on it.

Chris: I like you Grandpa. Your toe-nails are the same color as my school-bus.

Peter: Let us aaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy. Congregation: Ayyyyyyyy.

Peter: It's just like having sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want...but it's still gonna happen.

Francis: Stewie Griffin, I baptise you, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Peter: And Space Ghost.

(To the congregation) Peter: Yea, let us rise! (congregation stands) Now sit on it. (they sit)

Lindsay Lohan: (naked, walking like a crab) Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks! Peter: It sure is! Fonzie be praised.

Peter: Could there be anyone stupider than me? (Long pause) Brian: Madonna. Peter: Oh yeah, she's pretty stupid. That's something we can all agree on. Right? Brian: Absolutely. Francis? Francis: Oh major idiot. Major idiot.

Peter: (to Francis) Tell us about World War One and how America defeated Kaiser Permanente.

Stewie: I'm just saying 70's boobs were different...

Quagmire: Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you... last night I had sex with a teenage blonde, and her mother. Peter: Well that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have confession. So why are you telling me? Quagmire: Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody! Giggity-goo-ga.

Peter: But Dad, you told me to look into my heart to find my religion. Francis: Yes, real religion! What I saw today wasn't religion, it was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales. Brian: Actually, that is religion.