Chris (and various)
Lois (and various)
Peter / Stewie / Brian / Quagmire / Tom Tucker (and various)
Meg (Production Season 1) [uncredited]
When Peter is backstage looking at the crowd, Lois's dress is the same color as the shirt she normally wears. But when Meg is asking Lois why she came to see the play if she is angry at Peter, it is a shade of blue.
William Shatner appears in the audience of Peter's play, despite the fact that Meg ran over and killed him in "I Never Met the Dead Man".
The sign outside of the theater reads: Peter Griffin presents a Peter Griffin production of Peter Griffin's The King And I, A Peter Griffin Joint.
Stewie's audition (before he's interrupted by Lois) is from Shakespeare's play "Richard III".
The song Brian sings is "If I Ever Would Leave You" from the musical, Camelot.
Diane Simmons real name is Diane Seidelman.
Peter: Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big christmas toy gets a huge bonus!
Chris: Why don't you invent the frisbee, dad? That's an awesome toy!
Meg: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris: Then how come I've never heard of it?
(Introducing himself before an audition, believing he is a shoe-in)
Peter: This is just a formality, since I happen to be doing the director.
Peter: Well, Lois, I tried to express my creativity like you said. First I took an art class.
(Peter in art class; nude man is posing)
Peter: Am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter: Then I tried sculpting.
(Peter in sculpting class; again, nude man is posing)
Peter: Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter: Then I tried music.
(Peter in music class; everything is normal)
Peter: Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
Peter: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for, Lois.
Meg: I don't get it, mom, if you're so mad at dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch.
Peter: (narrating) Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the Ninth Nucular World War. It is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity; a future where an oppressive new king has seized power. Only one man can stop him. No - one machine! (breaks into Brian's palace, wearing a robot costume) I am an Automaton Nucular Neohuman Android; you may call me ANNA. I am a robot ninja from the planet England who is here to destroy you and free this land from your tyranny.
Brian: I've been expecting you, ANNA. Allow me to introduce my Siamese children! (claps hands, signalling five swimsuit models)
Peter: I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy. We must kung-fu fight!
Brian: So be it, ANNA!
(They strike kung-fu poses at each other. A while later...)
Peter: I have slain the evil emperor. I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of America! (cues song)
Chorus: ANNA rules!
Peter: 'Cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels!
Chorus: ANNA won!
Peter: Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun!
Chorus: Dance and shout;
He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt!
Peter: Though they tried to defeat me,
They can all just freakin' eat me...
Brian: 'Cause he blew all of us away!
Peter & Chorus: In the planet of Siam,
There's no one as tough as I am,
Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay!
Stewie: You know, mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
Stewie: (He throws some food at Peter) You, your the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber. (He throws some food at Lois) And you, I just plain don't like you.
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.
Peter: I thought you wanted to do a good show? If you wanna do a bad show why don't we just do RENT?
RENT is the name of a musical on Broadway of a group of young adults with AIDS/HIV.
The Tonight Show:
Stewie: You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming.
Jay Leno has been the host of The Tonight Show since 1992. The show is NBC's long running late night talk and variety show, which was formerly hosted by Johnny Carson, Jack Paar, and Steve Allen.
The King and I
The play Lois decides to perform is The King and I. The King and I is a famous musical by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, which was released on broadway in 1951.
For his audition, Peter sings the theme song from the 1970's TV show Land of the Lost.
Peter: Alright, now Diane, your role is, you're a steel-town girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of your life.
This was the opening for the theme song "Maniac" from the movie Flashdance.
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