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Neil: Well, well. It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Meg?
Meg: Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we work together doesn't mean I have to like you. (Neil takes Meg's clipboard) Give it to me!
Neil: What's that?
Meg: Give it to me, Neil! (Neil pulls out a tape recorder and plays back Meg)
Meg on tape: Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!
Neil: Yeah. That'll work just fine. (Meg groans)
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Tom Tucker: In other news: There was trouble at the White House today when President Bush stuck his finger in an electrical socket. When asked why he did it, the president replied "Cheney told me that was where leprechauns hide their gold".
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Diane: And reports indicate she has also consumed a record amount of seamen.
Tom: Well, that sounds like one powerful Hurricane, Diane.
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Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain.
(Chris sticks the bayonet up his nose and hurts himself.)
Chris: Ow. Now, I don't know math.
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Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Uhh... we're playing House.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: (pause) Roman Polanski's House.
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Meg: The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold. And it's ugly. And it's surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. (gasps sarcastically) Wait a minute, that's not the moon! It's Neil Goldman's face!
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Tom Tucker: School children washing cars to raise money for charity. Is there anything more arousing?
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Neil: Here's your coffee Mr Tucker.
(Tom drinks it but spits it out)
Tom Tucker: What the hell is in this!
Neil: Sweet N' Low. That's for trying to steal my woman!
Tom Tucker: Go back and bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!
Neil: (running away) Yes sir.
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Peter: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.
Stewie: Oh let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn and turn, until, whoop, big shock, a jack pops out. And you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
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Chris: (To Mort Goldman) My mom told me to be on my best behavior and to not mention "poo". Oh God, what have I done?
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Peter: (While videotaping a bag blowing a wind) Look! It's dancing with me! It's like there's this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes, there's so much beauty in the world, it makes my heart burst.
God: (Angrily) It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?
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Meg: I'm gonna go up to my room and eat a whole bag of peanuts! (Peter and Lois stare at her) I'm allegeric to peanuts! (Peter and Lois continue to stare) You don't know anything about me! (runs upstairs)
Peter: Jeez, who was that guy?
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Diane Simmons: And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.
Tom Tucker: Really? 64?
Diane: Yes!
Tom: Now I thought she was dead.
Diane: Nope, she's alive.
Tom: Fantastic!!! And now this...