Family Guy

(Stewie is in the shower with Rupert scrubbing him off) Stewie: We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I... (Whispers and begins to rock back and forth) I don't blame you.

(New Brian is baking in the kitchen and Stewie comes in) Stewie: Hey, New Brian, bad news, you gotta leave. New Brian: Huh? What are you talking about. This is my home. Stewie: Nobody likes you here man. New Brian: Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. Stewie: No we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. New Brian: Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. (Stewie gives a stagnant pause) Stewie: What did you say? New Brian: Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it. Stewie: Did he. New Brian: Yeah. Now every time you're sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me. (Dramatic pause. Nest scene shows Stewie draging a trash bag to the garbage can outside with a trail of blood following it)

Peter: Hey Brian, I though maybe we could spend the afternoon together. Brian: Really? That'd be great. Peter: Awesome, 'cause I got this new gun. Stewie: Here we go. Peter: And I thought we could go deep in the woods, uh, where no one would ever think to look. Stewie: Oh boy. Peter: And uh, just shoot it. Stewie: Awkward. Peter: You know, like so far in that no one can hear gun fire. Stewie: Little on the nose. Peter: Or screaming. Brian: Uh, I don't think so Peter. (Brian walks away) Peter: (to Stewie) Jeez, Its like he thinks I'm gonna shoot him.

New Brian: (Singing) I don't like fancy learnin' books, I don't like apple tarts. I don't like cozy breakfast nooks, I don't like modern art. Well I like farts. Peter: Ah! New Brian: (Singing) Yes I like farts! I like long farts, short farts, wet farts, your farts, I like farts. If you've got heart. Peter: (Singing) Oh, I've got heart. New Brian: (Singing) Let's hear those farts. Peter: (Singing) How do I start? New Brian: (Singing) Well Peter I will help you get your fartin' started. (New Brian and Peter proceed to make farting noises in tune with the song)

New Brian: Think fast! Meg: Wow, deodorant! Are you sure I'm old enough? New Brian: Oh, I think so. I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day.

Meg: Dear Diary, today at the school library, I saw a picture in National Geographic of a woman with nipples that cover most of her breasts too. And suddenly, I didn't feel so alone.

Peter: Trust me, you guys are gonna get along better than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor. (cut to a scene outside of a log cabin, Lincoln walks out to get his paper) Lincoln: Hey Dale, I noticed your lawn is getting a little high. Dale: Yeah, I used to have a guy for that, dick. Lincoln: Okay now, you have a good one.

Peter: I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.

Peter: Cleveland shut up! I saw something on TV that I want to imitate.