Family Guy

Lois: Now you shouldn't be frightened Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing. Stewie: Evidentally, madame, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. Because what I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls! Lois: Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact sweetie, that's sort of how you were created. Stewie: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathesome propaganda! Get out you horrid woman! Get out!

Peter: Look, Chris, it's a whole family of wasps. (Camera shifts to a highbrow family eating dinner) Dad: My, Margaret, what a sub par ham. Mom: Perhaps I can't make a good ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and servility at the dinner table. Dad: (To daughter) Patty, did you know your mother's a whore?

Lois: Stewie, look what Mommy made for dessert. Stewie: Ooh, Jell-O. How exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the QE II.

Meg: Tell him yourself. Chris: I can't, I don't wanna disappoint him again. Like that time he tried to sneak me into the fair. (Flashback) (Peter comes up to a ticket stand dressed as the front of a horse. Chris is the rear.) Peter: Uh, one please? Chris: (From in the horse's behind) A-choo! Ticket man: Hey wait a minute, your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk!.... no, no this doesn't make any sense at all!

(Watching Happy Days) Brian: You have anything lower on that remote than mute?

Meg: Nice going, Mom. I finally get my driver's licence, and you lose the car to a poker machine? How ironic! Peter: Hey, don't talk to your mother like that! She is not an i-ron.

Peter: Huh, I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, except for that thing your mother does. Chris: You mean play the piano? Peter: No no, she... yeah.

Peter: Hey Fonzie. You were with a lot of girls.. did you ever get a sexual disease? The Fonz: Herpes twice. And the clap. Ehhhh!

Brian: Oh, dear god. You saw them together, didn't you? Stewie: Uh huh... Brian: ...You know the tub where you take your little baths? ...They did it there too. Stewie: (GASPS) AHHHHHHHH!

Peter: Three days? That's tomorrow.

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! It says, 'Oooooo!' Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.