Family Guy

(Brian is teaching Stewie to ballroom dance) Brian: If you're going to make me do this, at least let me lead. Stewie: Okay, fine. (they move close together) I love you. Brian: What?! Stewie: Olive juice. Brian: "Olive juice"? Stewie: "Olive juice" you, too!

Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke! Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire! (Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart) Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this. Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey! Cleveland: What does that even mean? Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.

Peter: Hey, Stewie, nice sunburn! (Slaps him on the back) Stewie: Aaah, you horse's ass!

(Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa and Chris walks in telling them about the Bully) Peter: Chris, you have to stand up for yourself, like my great-grandfather Turn-Of-The-Century-Take-On-All-Comers Griffin. (Black and white scene of Peter's Great-grandfather in a boxing ring with a kangaroo) Peter's Great-grandfather: (in a posh voice) Alright, put 'em up! Put 'em up! Are you having a Bully day? I'm having a bully day. Is everyone having a bully day? Posh man in the crowd 1: Bully! Posh man in the crowd 2: Bully! Posh man in the crowd 3: Yes, Bully! Peter's Great-grandfather: Oh, thank god we live in this time!

Brian: You're talking out of your ass! Stewie: It doesn't matter Brian, I'm tan! Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian... Look at my tan walk!

Peter: Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. (Flashback) Young Peter: My book report is on The Giving Tree (A kid pulls down Peter's pants) Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd! (Class laughs at Peter) Young Peter: (whining) Randy! (Cut to hallway. Randy pulls Peter's pants down) Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd! Kids: (Come out of no where and start laughing) Young Peter: (whining) Randy! (Cut to urinal. Peter's at the urinal. Randy pulls Peter's pants up) Randy: Nerd! Peter: (whining) Randy!

(After Joe drives his ball onto the green)
Peter: Hey Joe...
Joe: Don't say it Peter.
Peter: No. I was just wondering...
Joe: Peter, I swear to God!
Peter: What's your handicap?
Joe: (yells while laughing) Every hole! That's a joke that doesn't get old!

Brian: Well, that's it for the list. Stewie: Not quite Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. (Hands Brian a pencil and a pad of paper) Write down my final thoughts? Brian: Oh, come on! Stewie: (Softly) I don't have much time. Brian: (sighs) Stewie: Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid. I see you lurking there on the peripherie of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye? Oh, squiggly line, it's alright, you are forgiven.

(Stewie is standing in the mirror, peeling off his dead skin) Brian: Ewww! Stewie: Hey Brian, you want some Stewie jerky?

Peter: Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Dick Cheney: Go (beep) yourself. Go (beep) yourself. Go (beep) yourself.

Peter: You got Legos? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks. Lois: They're the same thing, Peter. Peter: You know what, Lois? They are not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

Peter: (in tree) Well, maybe you should have just had an abortion, Lois! Would that make you happy if I was never born? Lois: What? Peter: I'm going to prison, aren't I?

(Old guy staring at a midget) Midget: Sir, would you please stop staring at me? Old Guy: Where's the rest of ya?

Peter: I'll do it Lois. Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store brand imitation frosted flakes featuring Terry the Tiger. Terry the Tiger: They'reeeee... food!

Herbert: What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter.

Joe: Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? Cleveland: A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

Peter: It's Cleveland I'm worried about. Cleveland: (wearing a President Nixon mask) Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything. Golfers: Hey, look, it's President Nixon! (Cleveland takes off mask) No, wait, it's a black guy! (Cleveland puts mask back on) No, it's Nixon.

Herbert: Boys, Boys. We can settle this like reasonable and sexy teenagers. Whoever can swallow the most Tylenol PM wins.

(Brian is taking the trash out, and hears music) Brian: Stewie, what are you doing? Stewie: Just gettin' my bronze on baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Huh, legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just tan Stewie being tan Stewie. Check me out Brian. (Stewie grabs a Tab soda from a cooler and drinks it so the label is showing, then turns to the camera and smiles)

Peter: Hey Fulcher! Fulcher: Griffin? Peter: The feeling's mutual. Fulcher: What are you doing here? Peter: I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm gonna beat ya, and then my son Chris is gonna beat ya. It's gonna be an old fashion father-son beat-off. Chris: Wait a minute dad, you can't hit him. Fulcher: Yeah, I have MS. Peter: Oh, ya hear that Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's braggin' about it. Now ya really got me mad.