Family Guy

Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate? Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian: So I see you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh? Therapist: That's my daughter. Brian: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Greased Up Deaf Guy: You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time!

Lois: So... how was your day? Brian: [on drugs] My Day? Un-freaking- believable! First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll for god's sake! [takes a puff of his cigarette and exhales] Where's the line anymore? Well I got news for you... It's it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone honey, BAM! It freaking evaporated like a dingy, stinky mud puddle! One day you... you see your reflection in it, and the next day it's a... it's a damn oil spot on your crack driveway staring back at you, mocking you... Blah Blah Blah! Knowing the perverted truth will rot in the pit of your soul! That's how my freaking day was! [Everyone at the Table stares at him]

Joe: Say hello to our newest narc. Quagmire: Oh, yeah? (to Brian) How good are you? Brian: (Sniffs) You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women. (Sniffs) And a man. Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women. (Brian stares blankly) NOOOOO!!

(The family is sitting in the kitchen) Lois: So, Peter, where shall we go for your week off? Peter: Well, I... I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory like we did last year! (It switches to the Griffins floating in front of a plain white background) Lois: This isn't bad... it's not that good, but y'know... it's not that bad. Brian: It's so-so. Peter: Yeah... more or less...

Rehab Counselor: I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name? Peter: Uhh..uhh..my name? Uh..uh..uhh..uhh [sees a pea on a plate] P..uhh..uhh [sees girl crying] tear..uh..uhh [sees a griffin flying through the room] Griffin. Yeah, yeah, Peter Griffin. Oh, crap.

Stewie: (As Brian breaks down, crying) Well, now we know what kind of dog he is: A melon-collie! (Laughs weakly) No, no, I meant: Chi-wa-wa! (Pause) I don't have to #bleep#-ing impress you! (Later, outside the rehab clinic) Lois: Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean. Peter: Well, it shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and saunas! (Everyone but Stewie laughs) Stewie: Oh, I get it. The fat man cracks a funny and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold and I get squat! I'll be in the car.

(The cops are congratulating Brian) Joe: Nice work, rookie! Cop#1: You're a credit to the force! Cop#2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

Peter: I'm NOT being insensitive, Lois. I just don't see why we have to cancel our vacation, just because the dog's a coke-fiend.

(Brian walks in the door)
Stewie: Oh, Splendid!, Fido Mc Coke-fiend is home.

(To the police force)
Brian: The real hero here is God: for blessing me with this nose, and a few other amazing appendages!

Chris: Hey dad, I heard if you use tanning beds, you can get something called 'Melanoma'. Peter: Oh, Chris, that's just fancy-talk for Sexified!

Peter: What do you think they put in the bug juice? Brian: Bugs. Peter: No, they don't! Come on! Shut up!

Brian: (wasted) Sorry to be tardy to the party.

(Brian has discovered Peter at the clinic) Brian: What are you doing here? Peter: I'm on vacation. Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack.

Rehab Counselor: I don't think you're an addict, I think you're an idiot. Peter: Yeah, well I don't pay you to think,hot lips, in fact, I don't pay you at all...Count it!

Peter: Brian, it's moments like this that make me sad you're gonna die fifty years before I do.

Meg: Wow, Brian! Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret! Brian: Here's a hint: Put down the fork! (pushes his hand out) FACE!

Brian: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up.