Family Guy Season 2 Episode 16

Lois: I'm upset because you never listen to me. This is Atlantic City all over again.
(Scene switches to Lois and Peter at a Blackjack table)
Dealer: You've got 20!
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter, don't.
Peter: Hit me.
Dealer: 21!
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter.
Peter: Hit me.
Dealer: That's 30
Peter: Hit me.

Peter (After watching Paulie fall down after getting shot for ten seconds): Oh, my God. You all right?

(At the mafia's "Pet Store")
Mafia Guy#1: I would like a "Bunny".
Mafia Guy#2: What kind of "Bunny"? A semi-automatic "Bunny", or a hand-held "Bunny"?
Mafia Guy#1: Whichever "Bunny" you think is better for shooting a guy in the head.

Lois: (To Peter) Did you take care of...that thing?
Peter: That thing? Oh, you mean that growth! Yeah, I had the doctor look at that. (Scene switches to Peter in the doctor's office.)
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis.
Peter: Oh! Well, what about the uh--
Doctor: Testicles.
Peter: (After a few seconds of silence) Huh--

The Don: My daughter, what is the problem you are having on this, the day of my daughter's wedding.

Lois: Do you mind?
Paulie: Acutally I do, you crazy broad.
Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no no Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like.. Elizabeth Taylor... He meant you're crazy, like.. that glue... You stick to things, you know, like an adhesive... That's all he meant.

Lois: Peter, this car has dents in it, and it's got a cardboard steering wheel.. And look, there's no engine! It just has a drawing of an engine!
Car salesman: But it only had one previous owner...James Bond!
Peter: I'll take it!

Big Fat Paulie: Where are you going?
Peter: Uh, home. You know, for dinner.
Big Fat Paulie: Oh yeah, what are we having?
Peter: Uh, I was only supposed to go to a movie with you.
Big Fat Paulie: What's that supposed to mean?
Peter: Uh, you know, like, no neckin' (laughs).
Big Fat Paulie: So I can have dinner with you?
Peter: Uh, uh, sure. That would be much better than having a quiet dinner with my family, who I love and am not afraid of.

Peter: Big Fat Paulie?
Marty: (Punches Peter in the nose) My name's Marty and I'm very sensitive about my weight.
Peter: Big Fat Paulie?
Woman: How dare you! (sprays Peter's eyes)
Peter: Are you Big Fat Paulie?
Louie: (Kicks Peter) I'm Louie Anderson.
Peter: Are you, please God, Big Fat Paulie?
Big Fat Paule: (Gives Peter noogie, spits on his tie, and pours milk down his pants) Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie.
Peter: Huh. Guess I've got milk (laughs). Don't shoot me!

Lois: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

Car's navigation system: Turn right at fork in road. (changes to Yakov Smirnoff mode) In Soviet Russia, road forks you!

The Don: I have asked you here tonight so that you can perform a service
Peter: Oh, what are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? Cause I'm married ya know.

Peter: Let's just say the car was a steal.
Lois: Say that again.
Peter: The car was a steal.
Lois: This time without winking.
Peter: The car was a steal.... wink.

Salesman: WOAH! Have you lost weight?
Peter: No, its still there, I'm just partin' it on the side.

Peter: Oh no Lois. A guy at work bought a car out of the paper once. Ten years later, BAM. Herpes