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Herbert: (to Chris) Oh, hey there, young fellah, bringin' me good news today?
Chris: What?
Herbert: Come over here, son. Hand me the paper so I don't need to use my grabber... (Chris hands him the newspaper) mmmm, that's a nice muscley throwing arm you got there.
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Meg: (To Chris) I can't believe I have to change schools because of you! This is all your fault, lardo!
Peter: Me? I had nothin' to do with it!
Meg: I meant Chris.
Peter: Oh. (To Chris) Yeah, lardo.
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Stewie: (about Meg) She needs to get laid, big time!
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Stewie: I got blisters on me fingers!
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Criminal: (on TV) First I'm gonna bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
(Everyone gasps)
Stewie: Good Lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?
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Sam: (saying goodbye to Chris as they stand together holding hands)
I can't believe you're leavin'...
Chris: Me either. I'll be sure to write.
Sam: And I'll be sure to learn to read.
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Employer: So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: (thinking) Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife."
Peter: Doing your...(sees the employer's family picture) son?
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(As they drive up to the house they are going to be staying in, Meg begins to whine about its condition) Meg: This is our new home?!
Lois: Oh, come on, Meg. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit it could be a real piece of crap.
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Herbert: (stopping Chris on his bike as he is handing him his newspaper ) You like popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure!
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles. Mmmmm.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Oh, don't make me beg now.
Chris: Hahaha! You're funny. Bye.
(Chris pedals away on his bike)
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.
-
Peter: Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
Brian: Enos.
Peter: What'd I say?
Brian: Anus.
Peter: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
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Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck, when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie: You suck!!
-
Peter: Aw, the South! Isn't that the place where the black guys are lazy, and the white guys are just as lazy, but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy.
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Peter: Listen Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right, so here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulphuric acid, viscous surface rock, and coronets which seem to be collapsed domes of a large magma chamber. Here's five dollars.
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(Lois pushes a button on the answering machine)
Answering Machine: You have one hundred and thirteen new messages.
Lois: Oh, my.
Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was. (beep)
Herbert: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back. (beep)
Herbert: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. (beep)
Herbert: Where are you? (beep)
Herbert: Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch, Call me!
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Chris: Now whenever I see a dead body, I will poke it twice as hard for you Sam!
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Peter: Wait a minute. Pie? Drunk? The?, I think you got yourself a new sherrif.
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Lois: Ewww, What's that smell?
Brian: It's either bad meat or good cheese...
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Peter: I think the lesson here is, it doesn't really matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.