Family Guy

Peter: (sigh) My last beer. Here goes! (Peter swallows the beer and looks in the bottle) Peter: (sighs and drops the beer bottle) I bet the scroll makes the beer taste terrible. (coughs) O-Oh god. (Peter vomits and looks at the ground) Peter: What the hell? (picks up and examines what appears to be the scroll) I found it! I found the last scroll! Guy #1: He found it! Guy #2: Oh my god! Guy #3: Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can! (Peter runs home, but he trips when he gets there) Peter: Ahh!! (sszzzes, does it about 10 times)

Mayor Adam West: All right, listen to me you long-neck bastard. You give me the scroll, and I'll make you the head of sanitation services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweetcake.

Tom Tucker: That's right. I made it up. I thought that if everyone thought the last scroll was found, they would stop looking giving me the edge to find it myself. But what I did was wrong. So as an act of contrition I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain. (Puts the earwig in his ear) Huh, kind of tickles. (He takes a deep breath and then falls to the ground screaming) Oh god! It's eating out the back of my eye!

Brain Cell: Hello? Hello? Well, I'm the only brain cell left. Well, at least I have my books. (The brain cell's glasses falls off and breaks) No, that's not fair! There was time, now! It's not fair!

The Don: You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know. Now I ask you...why should I kill this Count Chocula? Cap'n Crunch: Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies. My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth...with all respect.

Tom Tucker: It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons, but I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch."

Quagmire: Hey gorgeous! You want to come home with me? Lady at the bar: I'm with my husband. Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero. (Quagmire gets punched in face by husband) Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think? (Quagmire gets punched in face again) Quagmire: Huh, I'll be right over there.

Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall. Game Show Announcer: The password is..."flaming." Peter: You... Tony Randall: Actor. Peter: You... Tony Randall: Tony? Peter: You...

Pawtucket Pat (seeing Peter and Brian landing upon confronting them): What the hell is this! Didn't you see that sign (points to the Keep Out sign)! You sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules. I want you to leave immediately! Peter: Aw come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba-Wumba song? Pawtucket Pat: (sighs) Fine. (plays flute to summon Chumba-Wumbas) Chumba-Wumbas: Chumba Wumba Gobb- (They stop singing as one of them kicks Peter in the knee) Peter: Ahhh! (hisses, repeats two or three times)

Cleveland: He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like salt-water taffy or a Chunky.

Peter: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery.

Peter: Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and we buy another dog to help the kids ... y'know, forget about you.

Lyrics to "Pure inebriation" Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation. You'll be tanked, like the whole Irish nation. When you drink enough of my beer, you will find this magic brew'll, Make your every joke a jewel. You'll drive drunker than Oksana Bayul. Go on buds drink my suds, 'till you've reached that pure inebriation. though the beer may be free, you're just renting it from me.

Peter: It's like I died and went to heaven, but then it turned out it wasn't my time, and they sent me to a brewery.

The Chumbawumbas singing to Joe: (sung to the Oompa Lumpa tune from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) Chumba wumba gobbledy goo life isn't fair, it's sad but it's true Chumba wumba gobbledy gee When your poor legs are stiff as a tree What do you do when your stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God? Isn't his absence slight-ly odd? (maybe he's forgotten you) Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse Count yourself lucky you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue. Joe Swanson (after the Chumba Wumbas push Joe's wheelchair out on the street): I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour. I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet! Chumba Wumba: Gobbledy goo (shuts the gate).

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk! Peter: Now that's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Peter: Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences.

Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Tour Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.

Lois: Peter, its seven in the morning! Brian: Thanks for the update Big Ben. (Brian and Peter Laugh) Lois: You're drunk again! Peter: No, I'm just exhausted from bein' up all night drinkin'. Lois: Listen, Peter, if you keep this up something terrible's gonna happen. Peter: Somethin' terrible... all the way to the bank! Brian: Nice.