Maxine: How's Steve?
Laura: Okay, Aunt Rachel's taking him to the hospital.
Willie: See? He's fine.
Laura: He could've been killed!
Willie: But he wasn't, would you lighten up? We were just having fun.
Laura: Fun? You think it's fun to come to a party and smuggle a mini-bar in your coat? You think it's fun to watch somebody get drunk and make a fool out of themselves? It's not fun, it's dangerous!
Officer: It's also against the law. Come on.
Willie: Where we going?
Waldo: Jail would be my guess.
Officer: You're both going to juvenile hall until your parents come for you.
Carl: I bring home darn close to 50% of this family's bacon.
Estelle: And you eat darn close to 90%.
Steve: Aaah! Aaaah!
Rachel: It's okay, Steve. I'm here.
Steve: I know! You're standing on my finger!!
Steve: Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes
Steve: To be quite honest, Fuffner, I'd written you off as being incorrigible.
Willie: What did he say?
Waldo: He called you a gerbil.
Steve: (About the punch) What is this? Mango?
Laura: [Urkel]'s acting weird, even for him.
Steve: I'm the pife of the lardy!
Carl: (about his hangover remedy) This will either cure you or kill you.
Steve: Either way, I'll be better off.
Laura: You're inviting Harvey Garvey to your party?
Maxine: Sure, why not?
Laura: Well, for one thing, he's only got four teeth.
Maxine: Yeah, but he doesn't eat much.
(After drinking Carl's hangover remedy)
Carl: Well, what's the verdict?
Steve: Hey… not bad. I think it did the trick!
Steve: Wha oh.
Carl: Steve, what's wrong?
Steve: I think it just did another trick. I'd better visit the facilities quickly!
Laura: Anyone wanna dance?
Willie: Maybe later. We're doin' something.
Waldo: What we doin', Willie?
Laura: Max, we gotta liven this place up. Nobody's dancing.
Steve: Have no fear, the Urk-man's here. Why, I'll have the neighbors complaining in no time!
Steve: Harv, crank up the music! It's time to do The Urkel!
Waldo: Willie told me not to tell.
Laura: Tell what?
Waldo: That he spiked Urkel's punch.
Waldo: I said he… hey, wait. You can't trick me.
Steve: Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel: Tightrope walking.
Steve: Do you know how to do that?
Rachel: … No.
(hanging for the side of a building)
Steve: I've fallen and I can't get up!
Police Officer: Okay, where'd you hide the booze?
Willie: I don't know what you're talkin' about, Officer.
Waldo: He prob'ly means the booze that was in my coat, Willie!
Carl: You have my sympathy, Steve. I know how you feel.
Steve: Really? Well, tell my about it, Carl.
Steve: Oh… my whole body hurts. Even my eyelashes hurt… and I think my tongue could use a shave.
Willie: I'm gonna get Urkel.
Waldo: But, why ya gonna do that, Willie?
Willie: Because, he humiliated me.
Waldo: But, you humiliate me everyday.
Willie: That's different. You're my friend.
Waldo: Oh yeah.
(Waldo shows off a jacket filled with little bottles of alcohol)
Laura: Waldo, where'd you get those?
Waldo: My dad's a stewardess.
Laura: Drinking is for losers.
Willie: Hey, Waldo. Say hello to Saint Laura.
Waldo: That's Laura Winslow.
(Willie hits him)
Waldo: … Hey, a party!
Steve: Everybody party!!!
Music: "Do the Urkel" performed by Jaleel White
The German episode title is "Tanz den Urkel!", meaning "Dance the Urkel!"
Telma Hopkins' tight rope walk utilized her training in that art form. During a mid-1980s Circus of the Stars special, Hopkins was part of the high wire act.