Carl: (bribing Richie with money) Fifteen, and I won't tell your mom who hid the frog in her underwear drawer.
Richie: Make it twenty, and I won't tell Aunt Harriet where you hide the doughnuts.
Laura: Steve, you were right anything is possible!
Steve: Will you marry me?
Laura: Except that.
Cassie Lynn: Oh, and you think you're so hip, you little geek?
Laura: No, I just thought we could try somthing new. (cold smile) And if you ever call me "geek" again, you'll be digesting those pom poms.
Coach: What's your name?
Steve: Urkel, sir. Steven Q.
Coach: What kind of name is Urkelsir Stevencue? Dutch?
Steve: Uh... yeah.
Coach: Look, kid. You're not a basketball player.
Steve: Why not?
Coach: In short... you're short.
Coach: Now, I ask you... what is a "Muskrat"?
Steve: A large, aquatic rodent!
Coach: Well, yeah. But what is a VANDERBILT Muskrat?
Steve: A physically overdeveloped, mentally deficient high school student!
(Mother Winslow is reading a Victoria's Secret catalog)
Laura: Am I old enough to see that?
Mother Winslow: I don't think I'm old enough to see that.
Carl: I'm always happy to donate to charity.
Richie: Well, it's not exactly charity.
Carl: Oh? Then what's the good cause?
Richie: It's "cause" I need a new bike.
Lt. Murtaugh: They're sending in that Urkel kid.
Carl: What? We've got cheerleaders taller than him.
Steve: I've never tried out for athletics before, and the equipment list says every guy should wear a cup.
Coach: That's right.
Steve: Well, I didn't have one. So, is it alright with you? I'm wearing a Bart Simpson's mug.
Steve: I've got an uncle, Dirk Urkel, who was blessed with a two-foot long nose hair. Well, he got it trapped in the rear door of a Buick and was dragged 8½ blocks.
Eddie: As a starting forward on the school team, it's my duty to play round ball, not nerd ball.
Steve: But I've been practicing and my progress is impressive, even if I do say so myself. And since no one with play with me, I have to say so myself.
Eddie: Isn't there somebody else you could annoy?
Steve: Sorry, it's your turn!
Coach: I think I've figured out our weakness.
Eddie: What's that, Coach?
The German episode title is "Steve ins Team!", meaning "Steve on the Team!".
The first draft of the script was written on September 16, 1991.
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