Father Ted

[b]Nun[/b]: On special offer this month we have the Lenten package: £150 plus V.A.T. plus booking fee, that's £200. [b]Father Ted:[/b] £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!

Ted: Honestly Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks? Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike, I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills, but I could give it up! Any time I wanted! Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't. Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping) You're right Ted! I admit I've got a problem!

Mrs Doyle: They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Father Jack: (looking for beer) Drink! Ted: You won't find any there father. I put it somewhere very safe. Father Jack: Where? (We see all of Father Jack's beer hidden in a cave on Craggy Island's coast)

Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta! Sister Assumpta: Hello Father! Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta? Dougal: Er, no. Ted: She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal! (Dougal shakes his head) Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter? Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? (Dougal shakes his head some more) Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper. Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Dougal: God, I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!

Jack: (pointing at the various items he is naming) Chair...curtains...floor...(points at Ted) Gobshite!

Jack: What?! Priests?! Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!