Father Ted

Ted: (Holding a toy cow in front of Dougal Dougal, this cow is small. (Points out of the window.) Those ones are far away. Small...Far away. (Dougal shakes his head, not understanding.)

Dougal: That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes.

Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal? Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were traveling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived! Ted: Good man! Dougal: Ah, no, wait a minute... now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God, I'm an awful eejit!

Mrs. Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world. Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle! Mrs. Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake! (She holds up a cupcake) Ted: No, thanks, Mrs. Doyle. Mrs. Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it! Ted: WHAT? Mrs. Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about? No, what d'you call them? Raisins!