Father Ted

Ted: (appearing to draw a complex diagram furiously on the blackboard) Yes...gentlemen, Father Dougal is propelling the milkfloat by exerting a small amount of pressure on the accelerator. If we can replace his foot with an object that applies the same pressure, then I think we can safely remove him from the vehicle! Fr. Beeching: You mean...? Ted: Yes! We put the brick on the accelerator! (We see the blackboard; he has written "We put the brick on the accelerator")

Ted: You were jumping around with them and spinning them around! Dougal: I was only having a bit of fun! Ted: Yes, well that's no good reason why you threw up on me!

Dougal: Ted! You forgot your brick!

(Father Jack throws his brick at Ted) Father Jack: Ah, FECK IT! FED UP WITH BRRRICK!

Father Jack: I love my brick!

Mrs. Doyle: Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box. Ted: Now see here! (Pat holds up a huge wrench) Pat Mustard: It won't fit in mine.

Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker. Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man! Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom. Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you? Ted: Yes, I... well...if you're going to be...of course you will...JUST FECK OFF!

Father Ted: We put the brick on the accelerator!

Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters. Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard. Dougal: (shocked) What?

Mr. Fox: You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that, because it's shite.

Ted: We need to do something practical! Something that will really help Dougal! (Next shot is of the three priests on a float, driving alongside Dougal saying mass)

Mrs. Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard? Dougal:D'you think the babies could be copying his style? Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean. Dougal: Yes...well...er...ye...well....yes. Ted: Do you? Dougal: No.

Dougal: YAY!! I'M A PRIEST AGAIN!

Dougal: Hang on...THOSE WOMEN WHERE IN THE NIP!