Father Ted

(Mrs Doyle screams) Mrs Doyle: It's Bishop Jordan. I think he's dead! (Ted, Dougal and Bishop O'Neill follow Mrs Doyle) Mrs Doyle: There, there he is! Ted: Mrs Doyle, that's a dustbin.

Father Ted: Dougal, we are not watching Aliens, have you got that?

Father Dougal: So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?

Dougal: Bishops love sci-fi!

Dougal: I don't believe in organised religion.

Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that? Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything? Bishop Facks: (nods) Uh-huh. Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that? Bishop Facks: Yes. Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven? Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it? Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism – it's so vague. No-one knows what it's really all about.

Father Jack: That would be an ecumenical matter!

Ted: Now Jack, we're going to learn a few new words for when the bishops arrive. Father Jack: DRINK! Ted: No you cant say that. Father Jack: FECK! Ted: Jack! Jack: GIRLS! Ted: NO No no were going to learn nice words for the Bishops. (A blackboard is shown with some phases on it) Ted: Now try to read the first word. Father Jack: DRINK! Ted: No..That Father Jack: DRINK! Ted: THAT! Father Jack: DRINK! Ted: JACK...if you do it you'll get a drink!. Father Jack: Drink?..Th..th..th Ted: THATS IT! Father Jack: Th...th..thAT! Ted: YESSS now the second word..WOULD! Father Jack: wo..wo...wo..woDRINK!