Father Ted

Dougal: Well I suppose it was my fault for stealing the whistle. Fr. Frost: But you didn't steal it. Dougal: Oh right.

Ted: Do you remember the difference between right and wrong? Page 1 of being a Catholic.

Dougal: You still treat me like I am 24. Ted: I'll tell you what Dougal, I'll start treating you like a 26 year old as soon as you start acting like a 26 year old. Anyway, it's time for your bath. Dougal: A bath?! Nooo!

Damo: Which one do you prefer? Oasis or Blur? Dougal: Blur. Damo: What? Dougal: Oasis! I mean Oasis!

Sergeant Hodgins: If you ever hear about a crazed murderer on the loose, let me know. It will give me something to do.

Dougal: Sometimes I think I love eggs so much I'm going to turn into a big giant egg. Ted: I think that process has already started.

Mrs. Doyle: Here are the sandwiches for the picnic, the rest are in the kitchen. I hope you enjoy them Father. Ted: I love a sandwich from time to time. It doesn't matter what flavour it is as long as it isn't egg, because you know how much I hate egg Mrs. Doyle. God even the smell of them brings me under a terrible rash. I tell you, I wouldn't even eat an egg sandwich if you paid me. The horrible stinking smelly things as I told you before. Remember me telling you earlier Mrs. Doyle any thing except egg and I wanted anything at all as long as it wasn't egg--they're egg aren't they, Mrs. Doyle? Mrs. Doyle: Yes.

(Ted accidentally clinks two wine bottles together) Father Jack: DRINK!!! Ted: It's not drink, Father. It\\\'s just a bit of fizzy water. Father Jack: "Jacobs Creek Chardonnay 1991!!!" Ted: You can tell that just from the sound?!

Frank: Fup off, you grasshole!

Dougal: God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all. Ted: No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.