Father Ted Season 1 Episode 3

Dougal: You know me Ted, the lights are on, but there's nobody home...

Ted: 6am. Great. Another six hours sleep.

Ted: Your grace, this isn't really my area.
Bishop Brennen: Nothing is your area Crilly, you do not have an area, unless it's a kind of a play area with sandcastles and buckets and spades.

Dougal: Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?
Ted: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Ted: (to Father Hernandez) He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.
Dougal: Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.

Bishop Brennan: Normally you wouldn't be able to organize a nun shoot in a nunnery.

(In their shop, John is trying to get past his wife, Mary, who is slicing vegetable)
John: Are you gonna stand there all day, ya fat ole bitch!
Mary: Don't talk to me like that, ya big pile of shite!
(He brushes past her roughly)
Mary: Ya ignorant prick!
John: You watch that mouth of yours!
Mary: I'll watch nothin'!
(She points the knife at him)
John: I'll stick this up your--
(Dougal walks in to the shop and interrupts her before she can finish her sentence)

(Bishop Brennan is holding a poster for "The Passion of St. Tibulus" with photos of Ted, Dougal and Jack apparently endorsing the film)
Bishop Brennan: (to Ted) There's you, there's Forrest Gump! And there's Father Jack actually watching the film!