Fawlty Towers

Manuel: (speaking from beneath the desk so it appears that the moose head is talking)How are you, sir? I can speak English. (rising) Ah, hello Major, how are you today? (disappears beneath desk) Major: (shocked)W-w-w-w-w-w, I-I-I-I I'm fine, thank you. Manuel: It's a beautiful day today! Major: Is it? Oh, yes yes, I suppose it is. Manuel: Yes. I can speak English. I learned it from a book. Major: Did you? Did you really?

(after explaining to everyone about the fire drill moments away)
Basil: Splendid, we will have the fire drill which will commence in exactly 30 seconds from now. Thank you.
(Everyone stands still)
Basil: What are you doing? Are you just going to stand there?
Mr. Sharp: Well, what do you suggest?
Basil: Well, couldn't a few of you go into the bar or dining room... I mean, use your imagination?
Mr. Sharp: Why?
Basil: This is supposed to be a fire drill.
Mr. Sharp: There's only a few seconds.
Basil: ...Right. Well, obviously if there was a fire you would all be standing down here like this, right here in the lobby. Wouldn't you? I don't know why we bother. We should let you all burn.

Basil: (Yelling in hospital.) What's the bloody point of having a fire extinguisher? It's there for bloody months and when you need it in a actual emergency, it just bloody blows your head off!

Basil: Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been.

Younger Herr: May we have two eggs mayonnaises, please? [Basil]: Certainly! Why not, why not indeed? We are all friends now, eh? Elder Herr: A prawn cocktail. Basil: All in the Market together, old differences forgotten, and no need at all to mention the war … SORRY! Sorry. What was it again? Elder Herr: A prawn cocktail. Basil: Oh, prawn! That was it! When you said "prawn", I thought you said "war". Oh, y— Oh, the war! Oh, yes, completely slipped my mind! Yes, I'd forgotten all about it. Hitler, Himmler, and all that lot… Oh, yes, completely forgotten it, just like that. [He looks around for a moment in confusion.] Basil: Sorry. What was it again? Elder Herr: A prawn cocktail! Basil: Oh, yes, Eva Prawn. Yes, of course. And Goebbels too, he's another one I can hardly remember at all. Younger Herr: And ein pickled herring! Basil: Hermann Goering, yes, yes, and, uh, von Ribbentrop, that was another one. Elder Herr: And four cold meat salads, please. Basil: Certainly. Well, I'll just get your hors d'oeuvres… hors d'oeuvres vich must be obeyed at all times vithout qvestion! Sorry! Sorry! [Polly enters the dining room.] Polly: Mr Fawlty, will you please call your wife immediately? [Basil looks around frantically.] Basil: Sybil? Sybi— She's in the hospital, you silly girl! Polly: Yes, call her there! Basil: I can't! I've got too much to do. '[whispering loudly] Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it alright. [Basil returns to the Germans.] Basil: So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads. [The younger Frau is sobbing openly now, consoled by the elder Herr.] Basil: Now, wait a minute. Well, I got a bit confused here. Sorry! I got a bit confused, 'cause everyone keeps mention the war. So, could you— what's the matter? Elder Herr: It's all right. Basil: Is there something wrong? Elder Herr: Will you stop talking about the war?! Basil: ME?! You started it! Elder Herr: We did not start it! Basil: Yes you did — you invaded Poland!

German: Will you stop talking about the war! Basil: Me? You started it! German: We did not start it. Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland...

Basil: Oh yes, in the bag. You let me do lt. You just lie there with your feet up and I'll go and carry you up another hundredweight of lime creams... [he hands her the book] Sybil: I'm actually about to undergo an operation, Basil. Basil: Oh yes, how is the old toe-nail? Still growing in, hmmmm? Still burrowing its way down into the bone? Still macheting its way through the nerve, eh? Nasty old nail. Sybil: It's still hurting, if that's what you mean, Basil. Basil: Well, it'll be out in the morning, poor little devil. I wonder if they'd mount it for me, just for old time's sake? Sybil: I'm sure it's worth asking. You could hang it on the wall next to the moose. They'd go rather well together. Basil: Ha ha ha.

German man: Entschuldigen Sie, bitte, können Sie Deutsch sprechen? Basil: I'm sorry, could you say that again? German lady: You speak German? Basil: Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you. Of course, the Germans!

Basil: Yes, Fawlty Towers, yes, hello? ... I was just doing it, you stupid woman. I just put it down to come here to be reminded by you to do what I'm already doing! I mean what's the point of reminding me to do what I'm already doing. I mean what is the bloody point?! I'm doing it, aren't I!?

Basil: Right, right!! Just stay where you are, because obviously if there was a fire you'd all be standing around here like this in the lobby, wouldn't you?...I don't know why we bother, we should let you all burn...

Basil (after goose-stepping): I'm trying to cheer her up you stupid kraut!

Sister: You're still here? Basil (looks around): Apparently.

(At the hospital) Sister: I'll go get the doctor. Basil: You need a plastic surgeon dear, not a doctor.

Major (about Germans): Krauts! All of them!

Manuel (speaking through the moosehead's nose): Ooooooh, he hit me on the head... Major (slapping the moose's nose): No, you hit him on the head. You naughty moose!

German Guest: However did they win?