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Winona 'Mother B' Beck
Wild Bill Weschester
Big Guy Beck (Pilot Only)
This episode is also known as "Adoption."
After disappearing in February, the show resurfaced in June for two final episodes on Wednesdays at 8:30.
Nielsen Rating: 69/72, 7.0/14
Kathleen: Something wrong?
Mother B: You always take more meat than anyone else.
Kathleen: I beg your pardon. This is only the second piece I've had.
Mother B: It is not. I saw you in the pantry eatin' Alpo just before dinner!
George: Do you feel you're being treated well?
Bootsie: Oh, goodness, yes! Everybody's just so considerate.
Wild Bill: Especially Carlotta. Why, she drove all the way downtown to the society editor's desk to get Bootsie and me cut out of a family Christmas picture, cause our faces were in a bad light.
Mother B: Listen, George, in case you're thinkin' that Marshall and Carlotta and that big girl like these new people, I think you ought to know they tell jokes about 'em.
Carlotta: Mother B, isn't it time for your blood pressure medicine? We have to remind her every four hours, otherwise things start to get sludgy!
Marshall: Now, could we just once, in front of company, have a normal conversation that does not make this family sound like the dumbest, kookiest people on Earth?
Marshall: Oh, I'm sorry, George. I love them, but sometimes they make me sick!
George: As you know, Big Guy wanted a grandchild more than anything in the world, and that's what this tape is about. I've been authorized to set aside an undisclosed endowment for the first Beck grandchild….
Carlotta: I think it's absolutely preposterous.
Marshall: That's right. Why would we want another little nutty person running around?
George: Well, the endowment is quite substantial.
Marshall: Well, what's one little extra nut?
Kathleen: Stanley, I have to talk to you. It just occurred to me when I was cleaning my mascara brushes that since I was Big Guy's wife, even if I did have a baby, it wouldn't be his grandchild. And the only way I could be eligible for the money is to have a baby by one of Big Guy's sons. And since Marshall is already married, and of course, I wouldn't have him anyway, I guess that just leaves you!
Stanley: The answer's no.
Kathleen: Alright, just checkin'!
Carlotta: Really, Marshall, I thought we had this settled years ago. I have absolutely no intention of havin' a baby. Just because I am a woman, it does not necessarily follow that I enjoy bein' around little people that spit-up on me.
Kathleen: I just came by to tell you that I saw Bootsie and Wild Bill headin' to bed earlier and they had that special gleam in their eye.
Carlotta: Kathleen, this is hardly news. In case you haven't noticed, that gleam has been there as long as they have. I mean, we're talking about people who have a rabbit on their family crest!
Marshall We could adopt!
Carlotta: Marshall, I just told you, I don't want a baby!
Marshall: Well, you don't have to get a baby. We can get an older one. Oh, please, Carlotta, do this for me. I always wanted a child. Even as a child, I wanted a child because no one wanted to play with me. Now this one will have to, whether he likes it or not, because I said so!
Kathleen: Anyway, why shouldn't I have a baby? I'm young and full of life. I have so much to give! Besides, it'd be kind of fun to have a little person to cuddle up with.
Carlotta: Why not? You've cuddled up with everything else!
Kathleen: In the meantime, we've still got to keep Bootsie and Wild Bill apart.
Marshall: How do we do that?
Carlotta: With a crowbar!
Kathleen:Oh, don't be so defensive, Carlotta! Lots of women get a five o'clock shadow as they get older.
Carlotta: Yes, they do, Kathleen, but only if they live long enough!
Marshall: This is my mother, which would be the child's grandmother, and she just loves children too!
Mother B: Yes, I do. I've always felt that they make the best yard-workers.
Mrs. Camp: What qualities in your son do you think would make him a good father?
Mother B: Well, he's very good at meeting children on their own level. He also has tantrums and still sleeps with a rubber sheet!
Kathleen: Just what do you two think you're doing?
Carlotta: If you must know, we were anticipating the patter of little feet. Not you, Bigfoot!
Kathleen: It appears your Mrs. Camp wants to ask a few questions about the two of you. Course, I would just love to say the most wonderful things, but then I would need some assurance that we could split the endowment money from Big Guy.
Marshall: Kathleen, that's blackmail.
Kathleen: Yes, I know, I saw it on TV. Well, I have to go now. I'm sure my electric-curlers are overheatin'!
Carlotta: All right. We'll split the money three ways.
Marshall: There's two of us!
Kathleen: I know, but I'm the best lookin'!
Marshall: What's that got to do with anything?
Kathleen: Nothing, it's just something I like to rub in!
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