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Winona 'Mother B' Beck
Wild Bill Weschester
Big Guy Beck (Pilot Only)
This episode is also known as "Fantasy Fur."
Warden Neil, costumer for the series, was nominated for an Emmy for work on this episode in the "Outstanding Costume Design for a Series" category.
Nielsen Rating: 4/61, 21.1/34
Carlotta: Were you aware, Marshall, that there is no valet parking at K-Mart?
Marshall: No, I wasn't.
Carlotta: Then you also probably did not know that people look real stupid driving their own limousines!
Marshall: Carlotta, is it my fault my daddy passed away and tied up all our money? Am I to be endlessly punished and unmercifully criticized because he's forced us to live with his illegitimate son and ten-cent wife?
Carlotta: Yes, I want you hurt!
Marshall: What is that, anyway?
Carlotta: A Dukes of Hazard belt-buckle. I don't know what got into me. Bootsie said it was the special of the day. Everyone was buying it; there was only one left. I became confused and forced it out of a small child's hand.
Carlotta: Please, Marshall, don't make me stand in another checkout line. Not even for wholesale caviar! It's a jungle out there. Fat people overflowing their rubber shoes, with unkempt hair and babies that sneeze fudgsicle juice on ya!
Kathleen: Really, Carlotta, you should learn how to rub elbows with the little people more often. After all, this country was built on the common man.
Carlotta: Yes, not unlike your reputation.
Kathleen: Anyway, I just came by to tell you some fantastic news.
Carlotta: Have you decided to move away, change your name, and never contact us again as long as you shall live?
Carlotta: Then you do not have fantastic news.
Kathleen: Why, even Bootsie says….
Carlotta: If you don't mind, Kathleen, we prefer not to seriously consider the opinion of a woman whose dog wears hot pants.
Kathleen: Why can't I make fun of Bootsie and Wild Bill, just like y'all do?
Carlotta: Because you're not good enough.
Bootsie: It seems you only bring trouble on yourself tryin' to be somethin' that you're not. Like that man from the Enquirer that I read about who gave himself a sex-change operation and was real sorry afterwards.
Marshall: Stanley, must you do everything in your power to see that I never get my way? I mean, isn't it enough that you kept me off your little league team for four straight years?
Stanley: Marshall, why do you always bring that up? You were 17, wore an ascot with the uniform!
Bootsie: Oh, and you don't need to worry about literary clubs, I read all the time. In fact, I just finished "Teenage Poker Bait" by Red Lafferty.
Bootsie: Is something wrong?
Carlotta: No, for a moment there, I felt an overwhelming sense of total desolation and utter futility. But I'm fine now.
Carlotta: Any more questions?
Wild Bill: Yeah, I got one for ya, Teach. Now suppose we're having one of these fancy meals and you latch onto a piece of gristle. Do you spit that sucker out or swaller it or what?
Carlotta: We do not serve gristle!
Stanley: Wild Bill, you don't have to learn all this gibberish. It's all in the attitude. All you gotta do is think snobbish… like Carlotta. She's got her nose so high in the air that we fear for her life during the rainy season. Or think frivolous like Kathleen. She spends all of her days going to birthday parties for little animals. Or think stingy like Marshall. Only once have I seen him give to a charity, and that was after some guy from the Salvation Army promised him he could ring the bell.
Stanley: Mama B., why didn't you call, huh? I woulda come to get you.
Mother B.: No need. I stole the nursing home van.
Mother B.: Well, if you don't mind I think I'd just like to go upstairs and freshen up my face. You see, I feel like I've been rode hard and put up wet.
Mother B.: Didn't you get my message?
Carlotta: What message?
Mother B.: That I had run away from the nursing home. I'm gonna live with you guys!
Marshall: Carlotta, what do you want me to do, throw my own mother out in the street?
Carlotta: Mother B. is totally unpredictable. There's no telling what she might do in front of that man.
Marshall: Carlotta's right. She went to a political banquet and accused the governor of tryin' to steal a folding chair.
Carlotta: Not to mention that time at the airport, she got ahold of a microphone and announced that TWA was out of toilet paper.
Stanley: You wanna tell me what you're doing there?
Marshall: Oh, I'm just putting some vitamins in Mother's coffee. I don't like her color.
Mother B.: Well, I don't like yours either!
Stanley: You know, Marshall, those pills look remarkably like Carlotta's sedatives. Hurts me to say this, but I think you put sedatives into Mama's coffee.
Mother B.: And to think I breastfed you!
Mr. Means: Any of you hunt?
Wild Bill: I do!
Mr. Means: Oh, what type?
Wild Bill: Coon.
Carlotta: What he means is, he breeds coon. Thoroughbred. It's sort of a new thing in Memphis.
Mr. Means: What do you do with them?
Wild Bill: Eat 'em.
Carlotta: Race 'em!
Wild Bill: Uh, well we race 'em first and then eat 'em. Well, actually, we really only eat the losers!
Carlotta: Twelve months, Marshall. Twelve long months.
Marshall: No sex?
Carlotta: No how, no way!
Bootsie: Well, sometimes it's for the best when we don't win things. I read about a man who won all new wall-to-wall carpetin' that contained the teeniest unidentified larva that eventually caused him to paste a 26-foot tapeworm from his body.
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