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Dr. Frasier Crane
Daphne Moon Crane
Dr. Niles Crane
Frasier: Lana, let me explain. I set him up with Roz in exchange for his studying.
Lana: That's disgusting!
Frasier: It's no different than you promising me a date with Claire in exchange for tutoring Kirby.
Claire: Excuse me?
Claire: You traded me like a commodity?
Lana: Oh, get off your high horse!
Kirby: You tutored me to get to her?
Claire: I can't believe you used me, Lana!
Lana: Well, get a little perspective here, my son's here with a prostitute!
Roz: (rising) If you call me that one more time, lady...!
Lana: Listen, sister, I'll call you anything I want to...!
Claire: What did you do, dangle me like bait?!
Roz: Who's the prostitute now?
Claire: Who the hell are you?
Lana: Sit down!
Kirby: You said you cared about my education, but you're just as big a liar as Richard M. Nixon, our thirty-seventh president!
(The Maitre D' steps up again)
Maitre D': I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
Lana: Fine with me. Kirby, let's go!
Kirby: I'm not goin' anywhere.
Claire: Well, I am.
(She starts to leave)
Frasier: No, no, no, STOP IT EVERYBODY!
(Everyone in the restaurant stops what they're doing and looks at him)
Frasier: Fellow diners, if you will all bear with me for just a moment, please. Kirby, you are going to pass history and you are going to graduate from high school. Roz, you are going to get your Springsteen tickets. Lana, if there is anyone with whom your son could expect to have a thoroughly wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle. Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out of love for her son.
(Kirby looks contrite, Lana smacks him with her purse)
Frasier: And if I compromised my ethics, it was only because I found myself so... utterly beguiled by you.
Claire: Frasier, you are a strange and charming man.
Frasier: You have no idea.
Lana: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S WITH YOU?!?!
Frasier: Will you excuse me a moment?
(He hurries over to the other table)
Kirby: Mom, would you cool out?
Lana: How do you expect me to cool out when you're with... what are you, a hooker?
Friend: You're a hooker?
Roz: No, I'm not!
Frasier: She works for me.
Friend: You're her pimp?
(The Maitre D' comes over)
Maitre D': Is there a problem?Frasier: No, no, everything's perfectly fine.
Lana: You know this tramp?Frasier: Yes, I do.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry! Lana, please. This is all innocent enough. I only did this to motivate the boy.
Lana: By promising him sex?
Roz: You promised him sex?
Friend: You're gettin' sex!
Frasier: I did NOT promise him sex!
Lana: (grabs Kirby by the arm//0 You are coming with me!
Kirby: Mom, I'm not going.
Kirby: (whispering to Roz) So, um, would you order some wine for us?
Roz: No. Let's get something straight: if you get drunk, the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup any portion of my body the evening is over. Got it?
Kirby: Man, you're like a total prude, huh?
Roz: Yes, I am.
Maitre D': (as they sit) Would any one of you like a drink?
Kirby: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.
Roz: Yeah, and make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it. (to Kirby) Never order for your date, it's cheesy.
(Angle on - Frasier ordering at his table)
Frasier: And the lady will have the filet.
Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
Frasier: All right, Kirby, I'm going to make you an offer: If you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat you to a sumptuous meal at Les Habitants. How does that sound?
Kirby: You and me at a fancy French restaurant?
Frasier: That's right.
Kirby: Kinda gay.
Lana: Kirby, go wash up. [He gets up and heads out.] And USE WATER!
Frasier: It's a trick. Harrison died in office after his first month, so we say "William Henry Harrison Was Hardly Healthy". And you can't spell "Taft" without the letters f-a-t.
Kirby: So now to remember two things, I have to remember two other things. Plus the first two things. That's FOUR things.
Frasier: Yes, yes, but the first two things are easier to remember and they are clues to the second. Will you just try to keep up, Kirby?
Kirby: What are you getting all up in my face for?
Frasier: Because you are not working hard enough.
Kirby: Well, who's fault is that?
Kirby: Whatever, dude.
Frasier: Claire, hi. Fancy seeing you here.
Claire: I just came from the opera house. Can you believe Don Giovanni is sold out? I wish I knew someone with a subscription.
Frasier: Oh, you know, I could... I could call someone for you.
Claire: Oh, hey, that would be great. And hey, while you're at it, see if you can't find someone who likes sherry. You know, Les Habitants is having a tasting that week and I can't find anyone who enjoys sherry as much as I do. Of course, I always have trouble finding people who share my interests, I've been trying to convince someone to go to London with me and see the new Tate Gallery and the Old Globe Theater and finally I just gave up and tomorrow I'm going alone for ten days. Life's just too short!
Frasier: Go out with me!
Niles: Yes, please. I'll have the French roast, with three shots of espresso.
Daphne: The Defibrillator?
Niles: Yeah, that's the one.
(Daphne goes to get the coffee, Niles sits down)
Frasier: A quick little pick-me-up, Niles?
Niles: Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not getting any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like...
Frasier: Stop the simile! No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only have to repress later.
Roz: Hey, Frasier. I have a work-related proposal I want to run by you.
Frasier: Well, Roz, I'm always open to new ideas. Creative thoughts, outside-the-box thinking, that sort of thing.
Roz: I want Friday the fifteenth off. But be aware, if you say "No," you'll be crushing a dream I've had since college.
Frasier: A three-day weekend, that's quite a dream.
Roz: My dream is to have front row seats at Bruce Springsteen. That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in the Dark", there's a chance he'll pull me up on stage with him.
Frasier: I see. And this concert is on a Friday afternoon?
Roz: No, grandpa. The tickets go on sale Saturday and I want to be the first in line.
Frasier: Oh, well, if you hadn't called me "grandpa," I would have found a polite way to no, but as it is, no.
Roz: I can't believe I could have just called in sick instead of telling you the truth. I just wasted perfectly good honesty on you!
Lana: Why not? Because you and Kristi broke up?
Kirby: Thanks for spreadin' that around, Mom!
Lana: Oh, Frasier doesn't care. He went to the prom with his brother.
Frasier: Thanks for spreading THAT around! Kirby, listen, can I have a word alone with your mother, please?
Frasier: Yeah, well, truth be told, Dad, I'm actually... I've made a little agreement with Lana. You see, if I help Kirby get a passing grade, Lana will set me up with one of her girlfriends, Claire.
Martin: Oh. I remember when you used to tutor kids so they wouldn't beat you up. So I guess this is progress, huh?
Frasier: I see. And putting a hat on Eddie, for every major holiday, that's normal?
Martin: Well, it's not every holiday.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, please! He's got a Santa cap for Christmas, he's got a top hat for New Year's Eve, he's got a tam o'shanter for St. Patrick's day...
Frasier: All right, Kirby, we've got a few minutes before your mother gets here. One last question: In our studies this week, what did we learn about William Henry Harrison?
Kirby: l, I guess I would say that this week we learned that William Henry Harrison was... a great man... who was important...because he was...
Kirby: No. Yes! Yes.
Frasier: Good, good. And which president was he?
Kirby: Of the United States.
Frasier: I mean which number?
(Kirby looks confused)
Frasier: All right, here's a hint: He was elected in eighteen-forty.
Frasier: Kirby! Did you do any reading this week?
Kirby: Sort of.
Frasier: What does "sort of" mean?
Frasier: Right. Why not?
Kirby: 'Cause it's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to know.
Frasier: Yes, Kirby, this "junk", as you call it, may seem unimportant to you now, but knowing something about where we came from may help you to decide where you wish to go. Now, let's start learning about history, lest you be condemned to repeat it. (He pushes the text book over to Kirby) Start reading. Continue until your mother gets here.
It may not have been intentional, but Kirby's appearance bears a remarkable resemblance to that of Sideshow Bob on The Simpsons, especially the hair. Sideshow Bob, of course, is voiced by Kelsey Grammer.
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