Frasier: Lana, let me explain. I set him up with Roz in exchange for his studying.
Lana: That's disgusting!
Frasier: It's no different than you promising me a date with Claire in exchange for tutoring Kirby.
Claire: Excuse me?
Claire: You traded me like a commodity?
Lana: Oh, get off your high horse!
Kirby: You tutored me to get to her?
Claire: I can't believe you used me, Lana!
Lana: Well, get a little perspective here, my son's here with a prostitute!
Roz: (rising) If you call me that one more time, lady...!
Lana: Listen, sister, I'll call you anything I want to...!
Claire: What did you do, dangle me like bait?!
Roz: Who's the prostitute now?
Claire: Who the hell are you?
Lana: Sit down!
Kirby: You said you cared about my education, but you're just as big a liar as Richard M. Nixon, our thirty-seventh president!
(The Maitre D' steps up again)
Maitre D': I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
Lana: Fine with me. Kirby, let's go!
Kirby: I'm not goin' anywhere.
Claire: Well, I am.
(She starts to leave)
Frasier: No, no, no, STOP IT EVERYBODY!
(Everyone in the restaurant stops what they're doing and looks at him)
Frasier: Fellow diners, if you will all bear with me for just a moment, please. Kirby, you are going to pass history and you are going to graduate from high school. Roz, you are going to get your Springsteen tickets. Lana, if there is anyone with whom your son could expect to have a thoroughly wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle. Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out of love for her son.
(Kirby looks contrite, Lana smacks him with her purse)
Frasier: And if I compromised my ethics, it was only because I found myself so... utterly beguiled by you.
Claire: Frasier, you are a strange and charming man.
Frasier: You have no idea.
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