Roz: Daphne has friends at the British Consulate and they're having a big reception tonight. She has an invitation.
Daphne: Who knows, Roz? Maybe you'll meet some English lord who'll make you a lady.
Niles: I think at this point it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.
Frasier: (on phone) Hello? Yes, yes. Oh Lord, I'm so sorry you can't make it. That's all right. Yes, some other time. Goodbye. )hangs up)
Niles: Please not the Ashbys.
Frasier: Family emergency. Apparently it's so urgent they didn't have time to think up a plausible excuse!
Niles: So where does that leave us?
Frasier: Well, let's see... we have a third-rate caterer with a record, a couple of lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz! (throws down list( Dinner is served!
Niles: (realizing) I still have one blackball left.
Frasier: At this point I don't think one is going to make any difference.
Niles: It will to me, I'm using it on myself. (black balls himself) Blackball!
(However, Frasier is angry with him and claims you cannot blackball
yourself. They begin grappling at the bowl until all the balls shoot
out. Frasier steadies himself)
Frasier: We are the Collyer brothers! Why don't we just face the inevitable: let us just cancel the whole damn thing.
Niles: Of course, canceling the party twenty minutes later - people'll think we're strange!
Frasier: Frankly, I'm sick and tired about giving a damn about what other people think. You know, most of them are one ball away from not being here in the first place.
Niles: You're right. So we spend a lot of time together, so what? I enjoy it.
Frasier: So do I, Niles. You know, why don't we make those calls tomorrow to cancel? I'm famished, why don't we just head over to "Companion" for dinner, my treat.
Niles: (excited) You're on. (laughing) Unless you think it's too odd to have dinner together. (gets coat)
Frasier: (laughs) I don't think we're in any danger of that. If our relationship became truly odd I think we're both intelligent enough to recognize the signs.
(The doorbell sounds so they go to answer it. There is nobody there,
but a distant sound of children giggling. Niles, recognizing the
signs, decides to forget dinner and just go home)
Niles: Oh Daphne, isn't that Roz's dress?
Daphne: Yes, it was really the only thing that looked good on me. (calling) Come on, Roz, we don't want to be late!
(Roz enters wearing the showy glittery blue dress)
Daphne: Doesn't she look beautiful!
Roz: (angry) Oh, shut it, Daphne! I know you think I look like a hooker.
Daphne: No, I said it made me look like a hooker. On you... well, it works.
Frasier: Not exactly my wish list, but at least we've got the Ashbys.
Niles: Allison Walburt can say what she wants, why should we care a whit about what anybody else thinks. Am I right?
Frasier: Absolutely! (to Martin) Dad, do you think we're odd?!
Martin: (tactical) No, you're not odd. You're just special! Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.
Frasier: Yes, but do you think we spend too much time together?
(They enter the kitchen)
Martin: You're close, lots of brothers are close.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose you're right about that. The Gershwins, the
Niles: I told you we were getting upset over nothing.
Martin: (laughs) Course, then there were the Collyer brothers!
Niles: Collyer brothers?
Martin: Couple of nuttos that shared an apartment in New York their whole lives. They even built a maze out of newspapers in there that only they knew how to get through. They collapsed on one of them and the other one just sat there with the dead body until the neighbors complained about the smell!(laughs) Pretty crazy story. (gets (beer) You recycle right, Niles? (exits)
Frasier: You know, maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea if we went our own ways a bit more.
Niles: It's possible we have grown a tad dependent on one another.
(again takes a bit out of Frasier's jacket)
Frasier: Perhaps this is just the warning we need. Today we're planning a dinner party... tomorrow we're wearing matching pajamas and washing each other's hair! Let's face it, Niles, we are one stone's throw away from becoming the neighborhood kooks! Right down to the local children ringing our doorbell and running away.
Niles: Now Frasier, you are letting your imagination get the better
of you. Come on, let's go make a seating chart.
Frasier: You always know how to cheer me up.
Frasier: Lord, was that the answering machine? (listens to message)
Allison: (from phone) Hi, it's Allison Walburt. And, yes, count us in for the 11th. Looking forward to it, bye.
Frasier: That's wonderful, I so enjoy the Walburts.
(However, it seems the tape hasn't finished yet - Allison's left the
phone of the hook)
Harry: (from phone) Who was that?
Allison: (from phone) We just got invited to a dinner party at Dr. Crane's.
Harry: Which Dr. Crane?
Allison: Does it matter? You get the one, you get that other one. Personally, I think the whole arrangement's a little...
Harry: Is that thing off the hook?
Allison: Oh my God! (hangs up)
(Frasier and Niles look at each other as they switch it off)
Daphne: That's it, I'm staying home.
Roz: No, just try it, we can accessorize it.
Niles: With what?! A lamp post and a public defender?!
Niles: Oh Roz, perfect timing.
Roz: What's up?
Niles: We're having a dinner party and we need an interesting single woman. (she smiles) Do you know anybody? We're desperate!
Roz: (angrily she enters the kitchen) Excuse me!
Frasier: Naturally we thought of you first, Roz, but this isn't really your kind of crowd.
Roz: What? Sophisticated, cultured, is that why you don't think I'd fit in with your snooty elitist friends, I'm not genteel enough?!
Frasier: Now Roz...
Roz: Now Roz, my ass. I'm just as refined as you are. Shut up, Niles!
Niles: Well, we'll have to have Joan and Ted Birkin, that's a no-brainer.
Frasier: Technically that's two no-brainers, forget the Birkins.
Niles: Wait a minute, you can't just steamroll over me, I want the Birkins!
Frasier: I don't!
Niles: Well, I do!
Frasier: All right, we each have a right to blackball, let's say, three guests. We will each get an equal voice.
Niles: That's fair enough.
(Frasier brings over the nut tray. Niles gets three nuts and Frasier
gets three nuts. Frasier then places a bowl on the table)
Frasier: That's three for me and three for you. And just to get the blackball rolling... (throws one in bowl) Bye-bye, Birkins!
Niles: What about John and Carol Peterson, everyone loves them.
Frasier: Not everyone! (throws his second in bowl) Blackball!
Frasier: No, no, we never question the blackball. We just bow to its will.
Niles: Fine, Nina and Arch Duncan.
Frasier: "The Drunken Duncans?!" Have you lost your... (realizes) Wait a minute. You loathe the Duncans, you just want me to waste a blackball.
Niles: That's insane, I adore the Duncans.
Frasier: Really? Well, perhaps I misjudged them. Very well Niles, the Duncans it is. (slowly writing) Nina and Arch...
Niles: Oh, stop it, they're hideous! (throws in his first) Blackball! What about the Walburts?
Frasier: Oh, I like the Walburts.
Niles: Finally. Gordons?
Frasier: I love the Gordons, now we're rolling.
Niles: How about the DiFalcos?
Frasier: (throws in last) Blackball! She is a twit. How about the Whitneys?
Niles: (throws in second) Blackball! He's a dolt. (Frasier begins eating another nut) Cromwells?
Frasier: (throws in nut) Blackball!
Niles: Look, if you're gonna... (notices it wasn't official) Wait a minute, you're out of blackballs... this is a dried-up old fig.
Niles: Daphne, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's something on the back of your dress.
(Niles directs us to a white spot on the backside of her dress)
Daphne: (looks round) Oh my God, it looks like bleach or something!The dry cleaner must have done it!
Roz: I saw it, it's nothing.
Daphne: You saw it?!
Roz: Don't worry, it's hardly noticeable.
Daphne: (distraught) Dr. Crane noticed it!
Roz: That's because he's always looking at your...
Niles: (quickly) Roz!
Frasier: You know Niles, I think I'm going to have a dinner party. Care to comment?
Niles: I love the idea, what's the occasion?
Frasier: I got the idea last night when we bumped into Jean and Hollis Ashley at the symphony, I've always wanted to get to know them better.
Niles: Me too, they're such a charming couple: they remind me of Maris and me when we were happy. (pours himself a drink)
Frasier: (doorbell) Really? I must have been sick that day!
This is the second episode to be in "real time" (the first was "My Coffee with Niles").
The Collyer Brothers: Martin mentions Homer and Langley Collyer, the legendary recluses who shared a brownstone in Harlem during the 20's and 30's, who were legendary for their cluttered home, where they refused to throw anything away, made walls and passages of newspapers and even set booby traps due to their fear of intruders. After the death of both brothers police removed over 103 tons of junk and garbage out of the house.