Frasier: Well, I better be heading out. Niles and I are meeting for dinner, and then we have tickets to the theatrical event of the season.
Martin: Oh, really?
Frasier: Yes, Sir Trevor Aimsley in Tears of the Mariner.
Martin: (laughing) Oh, my gosh! Is that you?
Frasier: Well, good heavens, it's kind of hard to tell. You've got your back turned to the camera, your skirt's blown up around your...Oh, well, it must've been rather blustery out.
Daphne: I was in the park yesterday, and this photographer snapped my picture for the 'It's Your Seattle' column - the one where they show some average person out and about, then use their name on the column. For instance, if they used a picture of Mr. Crane, the caption would read 'Martin Crane's Seattle.' Or if they took one of you it would say 'Frasier Crane's Se-'
Frasier: Yes, we get it.
Daphne: Well, don't crinkle it, I want to send it home to my family.
Martin: You sure about that?
Daphne: Oh, don't be such an old fogey. So I'm bending down and me knickers are showing a bit, but my family'll still be proud as peacocks when they see that: 'Daphne Moon's Seattle.'
Daphne: You just wanted to find out if I was gossiping about you to my mum. Well, fine! I was. A seventy-three year old woman in Manchester is about to find out that you dye the gray out of your temples. There! You happy?
Frasier: No, I am not happy, I am mortified! (he pauses) How did you know that? I keep my hair dye in the false bottom of my cufflink box.
Daphne: Yeah, well...I'll let it go this time.
Frasier: Just concentrate: What was the play about?
Martin: Well, let me see, uh, it started out with this old guy who was guttin' a fish. And then he gives this fish to his son, but his son rejects it.
Frasier: Good! Good, then what?
Martin: Uh...oh, yeah! Well, then it turns out he's got this fatal disease, and the next thing you know, he's in this big stadium. And he's telling everyone that even though he's dying, that today, he considers himself the luckiest...
Frasier: Dad! That is 'Pride of the Yankees'!
Martin: Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that. But I'm pretty sure that fish part was right.
Frasier: Never mind that, Niles. The Gornleys are not coming back. Let's go sneak into their seats and watch the second act.
Niles: Let's go!
(They rush to the entrance, but are stopped by the usher)
Usher: Your ticket stubs, please.
Frasier: Oh, I beg your pardon?
Usher: Well, I'm sorry, we've had some people try to sneak in after intermission.
Frasier: Well, you know, I think we, I left our coats in our seats and our stubs are in the coats.
Usher: Oh, don't worry about it. (They turn to head in, but are stopped again) We'll just have someone bring your coats to you. Where are your seats?
Frasier: I'll...have to check the seating chart.
Niles: I'm practicing. I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of The Petrified Forest.
Roz: Oh, a friend of mine couldn't use hers, so she gave them to me. I asked my cute new dentist, he's a big fan of Sir What's-his-face.
Frasier: You refer to the world's greatest living actor as...
Niles: Now, now, Frasier. Roz may not be familiar with Sir Trevor, but I'm sure she'll enjoy the play. I trust you got good seats?
Roz: (taking the tickets out to check) Ooh. I think so. Row C?
Niles: Row C. Excellent. (then) Look, a whole bunch of naked men.
(Roz turns around and Niles grabs the tickets in her hand but she
doesn't let go)
Roz: What are you doing?
Niles: Give me those, you philistine! You don't even know his name!
Roz: Are you crazy?!
(She kicks him in the shin, causing him to yelp "Ouch!" and let go of the tickets. Roz's date walks up)
Frasier: Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.
Niles: You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.
Frasier: Niles, what other choice do we have?
Niles: But the indignity, it reeks of desperation.
Martin: Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line. (exits to kitchen)
(Frasier and Niles look at each other dumbfounded)
Niles: What did he think we were talking about?
Frasier: Yes, you remember her, she's on the board of the theater. You've seen her: bad eye-job, dowager's hump you could cross the Sahara on. (into phone) Hello, Cleo, you lovely thing. Uh-huh. Oh, well, you're a dear for trying. Thanks. Oh, don't despair Niles, I'm getting another call. Hello? Yes, Dora! Yes, uh-huh. Too bad. Well, thank you. Yeah, oh, that is a wonderful idea, yes I will! Thank you, bye-bye. (He disconnects)
Niles: Well, someone better call. Because everyone who's anyone is seeing this play. And you know who you are if you're not anyone? You're NO ONE. And I've been someone much too long to start being no one now.
(Martin comes in from the bedrooms)
Martin: Oh, hey, I thought no one was here.
International Episode Titles:
Czech Republic: Divadelní událost (Theatrical Event)
Title: Hot Ticket
The episode title shares the same name as the 1996 film "Hot Ticket".