Dr. Frasier Crane
Daphne Moon Crane
Dr. Niles Crane
Robert "Bulldog" Briscoe (seasons 4 - 6, recurring otherwise)
Goof: Frasier claims Niles would never be seen in anything called a Hatchback, however Niles mentions having to drive one in the episode 'High Crane Drifter', though he had the same disdain for it then, too.
Niles: (rapidly) Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault, after all! I was too rigid, I was always making demands!
Frasier: No, Niles!
Niles: Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!
Martin: Niles, give me that phone.
Martin: You don't know what you're doing!
Niles: Yes I do.
Martin: Just drop it and kick it over here!
Niles: I won't! I'm dialing, I'm pressing Send, it's ringing. (into phone) Maris! I'm calling... I'm calling...
(Martin and Frasier look on, helpless)
Niles: I'm calling to tell you that there's a new address for forwarding my mail. 62 Elm Street, Shangri-La Apartments. Thank you (hangs up)
Frasier: Well, good for you, Niles.
Niles: Oh, the second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back. (looks at the room) But how am I ever going to live here?
Frank: Oh sorry, I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this stuff up. Well, help yourself.
Niles: This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address?
Frank: (uncomfortable) Uh, he left a note, but... nooo. No address! Well, take your time.
Niles: If you referring to that six-man petri dish, yes. I think we're about finished here!
Frasier: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.
Frasier: Well, then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike?
Niles: Yes, I think so.
Frasier: White with blue trim? Right next to the market, couple of flags upfront.
Niles: Yes! It looks nice from the outside but it's completely unsuitable for living in.
Frasier: Oh yes, I imagine so, seeing as it's a (angry) Chevron station! You saw nothing! Nothing yesterday, probably nothing in the last two weeks. You've been going to the movies.
Niles: That is an outrageous lie!
Frasier: Roz saw you and your seat cushion. I was feeling sorry for you while you were lying to me the whole time.
Niles: I'm sorry, after the first day I just couldn't look anymore. I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable having a price range. (checks for nose bleed)
Frasier: All right Niles, well today I'm going with you. It may be the only way you'll find a place.
Frasier: No, no, he's sublet his apartment at the Montana. He has to find something furnished. There just aren't many out there. Still, he's looking every day!
Roz: Not yesterday.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Roz: I saw him outside the cinema waiting in line for "Lawrence Of Arabia."
Frasier: Well, that's impossible, he told me he had appointments all day!
Roz: Frasier, I know Niles when I see him. How people go to the movies with their own seat cushion?
Frasier: You mean he hasn't even been looking?!
Roz: I don't know, ask him yourself.
(She points him out at the bar before leaving)
Roz: Listen, I know he's on his way, he must have got the address wrong. I knew I should have picked a place he's been to before.
(She says, sitting in Café Nervosa)
Draper: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have to...
Roz: Oh, please don't leave. Let me just try his cell phone.
Draper: Very well. (hands Roz his phone)
Roz: (into phone) Hello Frasier, it's Roz. You sound terrible, where are you? The emergency room?! Oh my God! His appendices burst! No, no, don't apologize. It's not your fault. We'll just reschedule it...
(At this point Frasier bursts into the room whilst Roz is still on the
phone with "him")
Frasier: Well, I'm off to bed! (Martin doesn't reply) Roz and I have a very important breakfast meeting with an important employer tomorrow. I can't burn the midnight oil like you, Dad. (Martin doesn't reply) Dad!
(Martin had fallen asleep whilst reading, he wakes up not knowing
what's going on)
Martin: What? Oh all right, I'll get a coaster!
Frasier: Dad, what is it with you? You could barely stay awake during dinner!
Daphne: (straightens up) Where's my jar of Bovril?
Niles: (snapping back) No, I wasn't! (realizing) Oh, the meat paste! Well, I threw it out, it smelled rancid.
Daphne: Well, that's how it's supposed to smell - it's English!
Martin: Niles, are you there?
Niles: (into intercom) Yes, Dad. (to Frasier) You can't blame me for the housing market - this is a simple apartment!
Martin: I'm in some room with a lot of books but it doesn't have a bathroom!
Niles: Oh, that's the library, not the study - go down the hall, make a left.
Frasier: Well, this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt you! You must admit it's a bit large for one person.
Niles: Oh, don't forget I have a pet.
Frasier: Are you saying that your BIRD requires both a study and a library?
Niles: All right, I will return the Noel Coward pen, but this is my home. This is a basic necessity.
Martin: (on intercom) OK, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again. I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper.
Niles: That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the stairs.
Martin: The only stairs I can find go up!
Frasier: You have a THIRD floor?
Niles: It's practically a crawl space. (into intercom) Go out the door to the left.
(Niles and Frasier stand in silence, pensive)
Niles: Don't look at me like that! I have to have a roof over my head!
Frasier: Niles, you have three roofs over your head! For God's sake, you have to come to your senses. Look at the numbers, they don't lie! I'm afraid you don't have any choice.
Niles: Oh yes, every since I rejected Maris's attempts to woo me back, she's been quite vindictive! She's frozen all the accounts! Sherry? (pours two glasses of sherry)
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
Frasier: Well, what do you lawyers tell you?
Niles: Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal bills!
Niles: Oh, my shoulder is killing me!
Frasier: Oh Niles, did you bang into the steering wheel?
Niles: No, I've been parallel parking all week without power steering.
Martin: Let me get you some aspirin.
Niles: Oh, thank you, Dad. Er, check upstairs in the bathroom of the study. Pardon the disarray, Frasier, I've had to cut the cleaning lady down to two times a week.
Martin: (sarcastic) Yeah, looks like a bomb went off.
(Martin leaves the practically perfect room by the stairs)
Martin: Is everyone alright?
Niles: (still on the mobile, from under the dashboard) Dad, come quickly, I need your help.
Martin: (alarmed) Oh my God! What is it?
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.
(Martin gives a look of disgust at Frasier)
Martin: You know where we should go tonight? Frannie's Fish & Chips!
Frasier: Dad, we're taking Niles out to boost his spirits, not his cholesterol!
Niles: Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad.
Martin: How do I open it?
Niles: Just poke "Mrs. Dalloway" on the bottom.
Mrs Dalloway is the famous novel by Virginia Woolf, published in 1925. As feminism is considered one of its main themes, the double entendre of Niles Crane's reply is extra powerful.
The title of this episode is a parody of the 1953 movie "How To Marry A Millionaire".
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