Dr. Frasier Crane
Daphne Moon Crane
Dr. Niles Crane
Woman in Bar
Frasier's pining for Charlotte, which started in this episode, was supposed to mirror Niles' pining for Daphne over the first seven seasons. They wanted Frasier to find the same kind of love Niles found with Daphne.
Evidence that this episode aired out of sequence can be seen in the fact that Martin is still using his familiar, four-footed aluminum cane. Ronee gave him a new stylish wooden cane in "Boo!" two episodes earlier which he used until the very end of the series. Shots of the old aluminum cane can also be seen in "Crock Tales", but these scenes are all in flashback.
When Harvest is talking about her staff, she mentions she has a shaman. She pronounces it shAY-man, when it is in fact shAH-man.
Charlotte: He's a big radio star – smart, really sweet. So think about it. Here's my card.
Frasier: (comes up behind her) You lied to me. You have five clients. There is no roster of eligible women!
Charlotte: (snatches the binder back) You looked at my client log?
Frasier: Yes, I've seen your log, and I've dated every toad on it!
Woman: Is this the guy?
Charlotte: No, no, no, different guy. Call me.
(She leads him back to the table)
Frasier: I think the police might be interested in this little scam of yours.
Charlotte: It is not a scam! I... I just didn't have time to put the other pictures in, and I will not work one second with someone who threatens me. I'll mail you a check.
(She rises angrily, so does he)
Frasier: I'll save you the price of a stamp. I'll see you at your office tomorrow.
Charlotte: Fine. I'd say come alone, but that's a given.
(She walks toward the exit. Suddenly her heel breaks off, she slips and
lands hard on her knee, collapsing to the floor with a cry of pain. Frasier, the maitre 'd, and several diners gather around in concern)
Charlotte: (breaking down) Oh God! What a crappy, crappy day!
Frasier: Charlotte, are you okay?
Charlotte: I can't give you a check. I've already... I've already spent the money on rent, and food, and... and these shoes. (takes one off and hammers it on the floor) These stupid, stupid shoes!
Frasier: (helps her up) Come on now, it's okay.
Charlotte: No, it's not! Nothing's okay. I lied to you. I just started this business. But I'm really good at what I do! I used to run the biggest matchmaking business in Chicago – before I lost it to my rotten ex-husband in the divorce.
Frasier: Divorce? But you're wearing a wedding ring.
Charlotte: (holds up her hand) It's camouflage. It inspires confidence. I mean, nobody wants a matchmaker whose life's a mess - like me!
(She bursts into tears, and Frasier helps her back to the table)
Charlotte: I'm divorced, my business is a joke, and I'm up to my ass in debt, and I had to move in with my mother. I am thirty-five years old, and I am living with my mother! How pathetic is that?
Frasier: (carefully) Well, I... I've seen worse. You mentioned something earlier about having a drink.
Charlotte: Oh, believe me, I will. If my mother hasn't finished the bottle.
Frasier: No, I meant here. (signals the waiter)
Charlotte: No, I really can't. I've got to get home. I have paperwork, I have calls to make...
Frasier: It's my treat.
Charlotte: ("life preserver!") Double Scotch.
Frasier: Charlotte, where's my date?
Charlotte: I am so sorry. She just called, she had to cancel.
Frasier: That does it.
Charlotte: No, we'll find another evening.
Frasier: No, Charlotte, we will not. You have sent me on enough miserable dates, thank you. Before you fix me up with a doll-collecting war criminal, or a hashish-smoking burger flipper, I want out! And I want my money back.
Charlotte: Frasier, this...
(She pulls out the chair and sits down. He reluctantly sits opposite
Charlotte: This is a process. I have only sent you out on five dates. Do you cure your patients in five sessions?
Frasier: Well, no, but...
(She takes a thick binder out of her purse)
Charlotte: This client roster is filled with fascinating women. I just signed a new one this morning – botany professor, avid bicycle rider, very striking. But you know what? If you're going to be so impatient, then we should just end this now, I'll write you a check. (lifts her purse)
Frasier: Well, wait...
Charlotte: No, no, no, no, I'm sure you'll do much better on your own. With $10,000 you can download a lot of love.
Frasier: Well, let's not be too hasty. That striking, biking botanist sounded like me.
Charlotte: I don't know.
Charlotte: Don't beg, it's a turn-off.
(She replaced the binder in her purse and gets up)
Charlotte: All right. Why don't I get us some drinks and then we can talk about our next move?
(A scream of pure, hellish agony rips from the TV. Daphne jerks around
to stare, Niles and Martin rear back in horror)
Harvest: (enraptured) Oh, look at Cindy glow!
Cindy: (on TV) Mother of God, just kill me! (scream)
Daphne: (nervously) She seems like she's in a little pain. (scream)
Harvest: Oh, pain is just fear leaving the body.
Martin: (staring at the TV) That's a boatload of fear. (scream)
Cindy: STOP THAT DAMN DRUM BEFORE I PUT YOUR HEAD THROUGH IT! (scream)
Harvest: She laughed at that afterwards. (scream)
Daphne: I've seen enough.
(She stops the tape, cutting off the latest scream)
Harvest: Wait, wait! You'll see how Cindy pushes through the pain.
Daphne: I'm not pushing through anything. I'm having my baby the way God intended – in a hospital, numb from the waist down.
(As she escorts Harvest to the door, Martin nods in approval and reaches
for his goldfish crackers)
Daphne: Now, take your incense and your woo-woo stick and get out.
(She shuts the door on Harvest, then turns. Niles is rubbing his
Daphne: And you, stop acting pregnant – you're a man, for God's sakes.
(Niles drops his hands)
Frasier: (taut singsong) Well, I'm off.
Daphne: No, you can't. Our doula is coming specifically to meet you and your father.
Niles: She insists on knowing all the members of the baby's energy circle.
Martin: Oh, what kind of a kook is she anyway?
Niles: Harvest is not a kook. (starts rubbing his nipples) She's assisted at the birth of more than 600 babies – and two giant pandas.
Frasier: Well, she better get here quickly – I do have a date.
Niles: Another one?
Niles: You're doing fairly well by this matchmaker.
Frasier: Oh, hardly. (drops his coat) A monkey throwing darts at the Seattle phone book would find me a better mate. Hell, a dart-throwing monkey would be a better mate.
Martin: Why don't you fire her?
Frasier: Don't think I haven't considered it. If tonight's a bust, I'm going to demand my money back.
Date 5: Nah, the cops took my fake I.D., and my dad'll kill me if I get busted again. So what are you, like fifty?
(Frasier has poured himself a big glass of wine)
Frasier: Something like that.
Date 3: Well, right now I'm back in school. You see, I've loved animals my whole life...
(She reaches up and scratches her head, causing her hair to shift back
and forth and reveal a bed of stubble underneath – it's a wig)
Date 3: So I figured, why not really go for it, you know? So I'm going to become a taxidermist.
(Almost fearfully, Frasier reaches up and strokes his own thinning hair)
Date 3: Is something wrong?
Frasier: No. I was just, uh, admiring your ensemble.
Date 2: Oh yeah, bring it on. But I got to warn you – I'm a horny drunk. Last Spring in Cabo, I wake up one morning under a beach umbrella, stark naked, tequila bottle in one hand, and some guy's tightie-whities on my head!
(Frasier's smile is frozen on his face. The waiter happens by with a
long pepper mill)
Date 2: (to the mill) Whoa! Don't I know you from Cabo? (braying laugh) Remind you of anything? (laugh) You wish, right? laugh)
Frasier: And what do you do?
Date 1: I'm a science teacher.
Frasier: Ah, serendipity. I'm a science man myself. I suppose that's why Charlotte got the two of us together. Well then, what's your field?
Date 1: Well, my field is biology, but my specialty is creationism.
Frasier: Oh well, I find that... excuse me?
Date 1: You know, they're only in first grade, so they don't understand everything. But Brother William, he's our leader, he likes us to get them started young before they get their minds warped by all that fossil nonsense.
Frasier: Well, you know, I-I realize that Darwin had his detractors, but to call it nonsense seems a bit cavalier, don't you think?
Date 1: (leans back) Oh, dear. You're one of those. (Frasier looks confused) You think we're descended from apes?
Frasier: Well, not recently, no.
Date 1: Do I look like an ape to you? Do I have hairy palms and a big hairy back?
Frasier: Would you like a drink?
Harvest: And of course I insist on a drug-free birthing environment-
Roz: Whoa, back up. No drugs?
Harvest: Oh, I want Daphne to be awake and connected to the moment. A natural childbirth needn't be painful.
Roz: It needn't be, but it be.
Daphne: How painful?
Roz: Would you have a tooth pulled without Novocaine?
Daphne: (afraid) No.
Roz: Well, a tooth is this big. (measures with her fingers)
Harvest: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted to be emotionally present for the birth of your baby. (rises and takes back her papers) But I see that you just want somebody to dope you up, strap you down, and yank it out.
Niles: (rises) Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait, don't go.
Daphne: Yes, our friend was just leaving. (glares at Roz)
Roz: All right. (gets up) You're right, I'm sorry. This is a private matter. (strokes Daphne's head supportively) You need to do what's right for you.
(Daphne nods, smiling – and Roz yanks a hair out of her head)
Roz: Times a million.
Niles: Wait, Frasier, a matchmaker? I'm surprised you'd use a professional for something as personal as your love life.
Frasier: Well, I could say the same thing about you and your doula.
Niles: Well, our professional comes highly recommended.
Frasier: So does mine.
Niles: Well, our professional is at the top of her field.
Frasier: As is mine.
Niles: (while Daphne looks weary) Well, our professional charges $200 an hour.
Frasier: Mine charges 10,000!
Niles: (taken aback) She sounds fantastic! Congratulations, Frasier.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. Wish me luck!
Niles: Good luck. (still impressed) Wow.
Frasier: Oh, peanut butter and carrots. Looks like somebody has pregnancy cravings.
Niles: Yes, I just can't help myself. (reaches for some)
Frasier: Oh dear, Niles – Couvade Syndrome?
Niles: We just call it love.
Frasier: So I gave her the money and I filled out the questionnaire.
Roz: Hm. You fudged a little bit on your answers, right?
Frasier: No, of course not. Why would I?
Roz: Because nobody's honest on those things. There's a code people use. Like "mature" means old, "athletic" means flat-chested, and, uh... oh, "not model thin" means circus fat.
Frasier: Well, gosh. She's already sent me out on a date this evening. But I assure you, I am more interested in personality than looks.
Roz: Did you see a photo at least?
Frasier: Well, of course I saw a photo. She's got a personality you can bounce a quarter off of.
(They share a naughty laugh)
Roz: So where you taking her?
Frasier: Claret - I intend to take all subsequent dates there as well. That way I can compare them objectively, you see. As the woman will be the only variable. It's basic science!
Roz: Yeah, that's been your dating problem – not enough science.
Frasier: And so it seems I have dated every woman in Seattle! The well is dry. The cupboard is bare. There are no more fish in the sea. Meanwhile my dad is engaged, my brother is expecting his first child, while I am left to spin aimlessly on the dating hamster wheel.
Charlotte: You like your metaphors, don't you? Well, don't worry, Frasier. Somewhere in Seattle there's a woman you haven't pissed off, and I'm gonna find her.
Frasier: You seem awfully sure of yourself.
Charlotte: I am. I've successfully matched hundreds of couples. So...
(She motions him to a chair, and sits at her desk with pen and paper)
Charlotte: What kind of woman are you looking for? And don't just say smart, sexy, and sophisticated.
Frasier: Why, don't you have any of those?
(She looks at him expectantly)
Frasier: All right. Well, it's hard to say what I want. It's been so long since I've really fallen for someone. You know that feeling you get after a first date, when you can't even sleep? You just lie there in bed awake, thinking about her. That's what I want.
Charlotte: You're going to make me work for my money, aren't you? Uh, by the way, I do require a payment up-front.
Frasier: Oh, of course.
Charlotte: My fee's $10,000.
Frasier: (after a beat) That's awfully steep.
Charlotte: And those ten years of bad dates, how much did they run you?
Frasier: (after another beat) I'll write you a check.
Charlotte: Hi! Welcome to Charlotte's Web: a matchmaking service. Come in!
Frasier: Well, I'm-I'm sorry, isn't this...? Oh, I see what happened. I must have been so engrossed in my paper I went right past my floor.
Charlotte: Of course. It can be a little embarrassing to admit you need help in the romance department, please come in.
Frasier: No, this was a mistake.
Charlotte: I understand. (more insistent) Come in.
Frasier: Trust me, you are comically incorrect. I do not need a matchmaker.
Charlotte: So you're married?
Charlotte: Dating someone?
Frasier: I date plenty. In fact, I often need the proverbial stick one uses to beat women off... with. I... (rallies) I believe my point is made. (turns back to the elevator)
Charlotte: Why don't you just take my card?
Frasier: I don't need your card.
Charlotte: In case you change your mind.
Frasier: I won't change my mind.
Charlotte: For a friend.
Frasier: I have no friends. (realizes) ...who are in need of your services. You see, I am a bit of a local celebrity, so I have no trouble getting dates. (calls the elevator)
Charlotte: What's your name?
Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane.
Charlotte: Oh! (then) Sorry, doesn't ring any bells.
Cindy: She's really helped Brad. He's having a really tough sympathy pregnancy.
Brad: (rubs his stomach) Oh, boy.
Brad: I'm just... I'm feeling a little sick again, I'm sorry. I just need some air.
(He gets up and walks outside. Cindy gets up to follow him)
Cindy: We're so in sync. He feels everything I'm feeling: nausea, weight gain, food cravings.
Niles: Well, you know, in psychological terms, that's called Couvade Syndrome.
Cindy: (shrugs) We just call it love.
Daphne: And one of those cinnamon buns, please – extra frosting.
(Brad and Cindy, another expecting couple, enter. Cindy's bump is
Niles: Oh, here they are.
(They warmly greet each other, and everyone sits)
Cindy: We were so excited when you guys asked us out. You're like the A-list couple in Lamaze class.
Niles: Oh well, that's good to hear. We were afraid we were in the "C-section."
(Brad unpacks some plastic containers and a thermos filled with a green-
Brad: We bring our own food everywhere. Cindy doesn't put anything unhealthy in her body. No refined sugar, white flour or gluten. I'm sure you're the same.
Daphne: Oh, of course.
(The waitress comes back with a plate)
Waitress: Cinnamon bun.
Daphne: Oh, no thank you, I'm pregnant.
Waitress: But you said-
Daphne: I said no!
Laura Linney & John Mahoney appeared together in "Primal Fear".
Originally scheduled to air February 3, 2004. Also scheduled to air March 23, 2004.
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