Frasier: (To his boss, Todd Peterson, whom he plans to mentor) I will play Virgil to your Dante.
This references The Divine Comedy, in which Dante uses the poet Virgil (70 BC) as his guide through hell, purgatory, and heaven.
Frasier: Should we give it a test run?
Frasier: A little music...(Frasier turns on some music and Martin sits in his chair while Frasier tries to change the apartment as much as he can though he doesn't like any of the ways) Dad?
Martin: Looks great, son
Frasier: There's nothing here!
Martin: I know!
Niles: (To Todd when Frasier introduces them, and Todd is dressed exactly like Frasier) Hello, and may I say what a great outfit! You got the volume discount!
(As Frasier is leaving Café Nervosa, he encounters Mel coming in)
Frasier: Ah, Mel.
Mel: Frasier! You're looking...
Frasier: And you. We must do this again.
Todd: Hey, Fras, I just need to know the name of the chick who made our couch.
Frasier: Oh, right - it's a reproduction of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier. (Todd exhales) But why?
Todd : The writer from Architectural Digest wants to know.
Frasier: Architectural Digest?
Todd: They're doing a huge cover story on my apartment! And I have you to thank for it, buddy! Well, I got to go, the photographer's waiting. Later.
(Todd leaves, closing the door. Frasier slowly turns around, apoplectic – mouth gaping, body convulsing, unable to speak. Martin looks at him worriedly. Frasier rushes around the apartment)
Frasier: I need to sit down!
Martin: (not looking up) Looks great, son.
Frasier: There's nothing here.
Martin: I know.
Frasier: I give up. I've tried a million combinations. I even had early Byzantine mingling with mid-century Danish!
Martin: Will they ever get along?
Niles: Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking!
(Everyone is shocked)
Mel: Niles! We just discussed you were not going to bring that up!
Niles: Well I did, so there. (she kicks him under the table) And I'll say it again! (to Andrew) You're probably seeing two of me, so you might as well hear me twice! You sir, are a complete drunk!
Andrew: Niles, how could you...
Niles: Well, uh--
Andrew: How could you know? I thought I was hiding it so well. I have a problem, it's time I face it.
Chip: I've been meaning to say something, but I didn't have the courage.
Lucy: Not like Niles. You're a good person.
Frasier: Yes, and we shouldn't... Perhaps I'm being too hasty about which of us should be doing the changing. Perhaps I'm holding on too tight to my possessions! Décor is, after all, a fluid art!
Todd: (reaches for a pen) Should I be writing this down?
Mel: Through a series of staged events, in which you will thoroughly humiliate yourself by playing the part of a complete ass! (gives him a ticket envelope) For instance, this weekend we're going to the opera--
Niles: Ah, I see, I see. So you want me to...hog the opera glasses and remain seated during the ovation, something of that nature? Well, I-I suppose I could manage it.
Mel: No, not quite. At the intermission, invariably some board member will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him!
Niles: That is unthinkable! I have a reputation in this town, (throws the envelope down) and nothing will make me behave that way!
Frasier: Ah, Mel.
Mel: (Arctic smile) Frasier. You're looking...
Frasier: And you, we must do this again.
(Frasier goes to the bar and pours two sherries)
Frasier: All right, then - which you should know, is a fortified wine.
Frasier: Oh, uh, Dad, listen, you know, I've got some company coming over. So if you don't mind, uh...
Martin: Oh, hot date, huh?
Frasier: Well, actually, Dad, the new station owner's coming by to hear some ideas I have about my show.
Martin: Well, it's a woman at least, right?
Frasier: Whatever gets you out of the room faster, Dad.
Niles: Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want. Paris... Florence... Rio...
Daphne: (seductive) How about my room to fold laundry?
(She leads him by the hand to her bedroom)
Niles: I hear it's lovely this time of year.
Kenny: Okay everyone, it's show time. The new station owner's on his way down. So look alive! (claps his hands) Watch what you say, watch what you don't say. Don't say too much, don't say too little. (wipes his brow and neck) What the hell's this thermostat set at, anyway?!
Frasier: I would like to close the show today with a truly inspirational tale. One year ago, a very successful friend of mine was struck by tragedy. Prognosis: not good. Hope: slim. But armed with only fortitude, this friend of mine fought back. I'm talking, of course, about the reopening of Seattle's finest restaurant, Chez Henri! Just goes to show you that a four-alarm fire is no match for five-star courage. This is Frasier Crane saying good day, and good mental health.
Mason William's Classical Gas is the song used in Frasier's search for a new living room montage.
Daphne: When God closes the door, somewhere He opens a window.
A direct quote from the classic 1965 filmThe Sound of Music.
Title: The Great Crane Robbery
The title of this episode is an allusion to the "Great Train Robbery," which was a famous robbery in 1963 in the United Kingdom. Michael Crichton also wrote a book by the same name, which subsequently inspired a motion picture.
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