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Dr. Frasier Crane
Daphne Moon Crane
Dr. Niles Crane
Robert "Bulldog" Briscoe (seasons 4 - 6, recurring otherwise)
(Martin is wearing a colorful sweater)
Pam: ...I love your sweater.
Martin: Yeah, pretty cheerful, huh? Ya know, not everyone can wear these colors.
Daphne: (sarcastically) It helps if you're a matador.
Strange that Daphne would mock Martin's sweater, especially since it was her Christmas present to him the previous year in "Perspectives On Christmas".
Martin reveals that he has a "thing" for Asian women. Having already established earlier that he served in the Korean War, in this episode he flirts with Daphne's Korean friend Pam; Daphne confronts him about his "accidental" ordering of the video The Joy Luck Club which deals with Chinese women and he perks up at Niles's mention of Japanese geishas.
When Daphne leaves, she says to Martin (in part), "Mistake my fanny..." In England, the word "fanny" is not synonymous with "rear end"; it refers to the female genitalia, and thus makes it a slightly less likely thing for Daphne to say.
After Daphne's friends leave, Martin and Daphne go into the kitchen. Look closely and you'll see is that one second the jersey is undone, and the next second all the buttons are done up.
Niles: If my life gets any worse, I'm phoning Hell to ask about their exchange program.
Frasier: Niles, there's been a little misunderstanding. Perhaps it's time you explained to everyone about the dead seal.
Niles: (laughing) Dead seal? At my Golden Apron dinner? That's enough bubbly for you!
Frasier: Niles, they think you murdered Maris!
Gretchen: I saw him stabbing her!
Niles: Oh, I see what's happened! Oh, this is funny! Oh, you are all going to laugh when you hear this. I was simply stabbing a seal.
Claudia: You killed a seal?
Niles: Oh, no, no, I didn't kill it, it was already dead when we found it.
McLean: You found a dead seal?
McLean: And it was wearing a peignoir?
Frasier: Now that is ludicrous. We put the pegnoir on it.
McLean: And the perfume too?
Frasier: Yes, of course.
McLean: So you found a dead seal, dressed it in a peignoir, doused it in perfume, and stabbed it?
Niles: I told you you'd laugh.
(The other policeman comes in with the torn, bloody peignoir)
Athanis: I found this washed up on the beach.
Niles: Well there, if that doesn't prove my innocence, I don't know what does.
McLean: Hello, is Niles Crane here? We're investigating a possible homicide.
McLean: Your neighbor saw Dr. Crane and another man row out to sea with a third party dressed in a nightie. The men returned alone. We suspect they dumped the body overboard.
Frasier: Oh... all right, now, now, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Please gentlemen, come in, you see, I can clear this whole thing up. You see, I was the other man in the rowboat.
Claudia: You dumped a body overboard?
(Gretchen rushes in)
Gretchen: Thank God you're here! I just saw a murder!
Gretchen: Dr. Crane was on the beach with his wife, Maris. I recognized her peignoir. I could even smell her perfume. He was stabbing her again and again.
Frasier: Ah, no, clearly this woman is delusional. Listen, search the entire house, I defy you to find one scrap of evidence that there's been foul play here.
Marcel: (from the kitchen doorway) My butcher knife has disappeared from the kitchen.
McLean: (to his partner) Go check the beach.
Claudia: I've listened to your show. And what impressed me most is your ability to focus.
Frasier: Yes, well I'm very proud of that. I try to give each of my callers my complete, undivided... (He notices Sebastian headed for the deck) Excuse me. Would you please just stay inside? We're about to start dinner.
Sebastian: You said that ten minutes ago.
Frasier: Yes, so it's even truer now, isn't it? Just sit down. (Frasier sits back down with Claudia) I'm sorry. Back to my show.
Claudia: I must say, I was wondering myself when we'd be eating. It's getting late.
Frasier: Well, Niles is in the kitchen, right now, trying to prod Marcel along. You know how it is with these perfectionists.
(Marcel comes out of the kitchen)
Marcel: I am waiting to serve. Where is Niles?
Claudia: You mean he's not with you?
Niles: We can wrap it in this. Quick, quick, quick.
Frasier: A peach peignoir?
Niles: Yes, and I found perfume.
Frasier: We're giving it a burial, Niles, not a day of beauty.
Niles: It's to cover the smell, and the peignoir was all I could find. The beds were all stripped, the linen cupboard's locked.
Frasier: All right, get on with it.
(Niles sprays the seal with the perfume)
Niles: Do you think that helped?
Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles. It smells so lovely now it's almost a shame to bury it. Give me a hand with this. All right, OK, now let's turn it over.
Niles: Yes, Animal Control? A large seal washed up on my property, I need you to come remove it right away. Its condition? It's deceased. What? Oh, you're not serious. (to Frasier) He says they only handle live seals. (into phone) What kind of policy is that? If it were alive, I wouldn't need you, I could just scare it away myself.
Frasier: I'd pay to see that.
Niles: Oh, wait, I was mistaken. It's not dead after all, it's sitting up. It looks very disoriented. Come quickly!
Frasier: (grabbing the phone) Give me that. Hello, this is Frasier Crane. You may remember me from my radio show.
Niles: Oh, yes, that should send the Seal Mobile racing over here.
Niles: What is that revolting smell?!
Frasier: It smells like it's coming from the beach.
Niles: Oh, it's like garbage or rotting fish...
Frasier: Or a dead seal.
Niles: No, it's more like a rendering plant.
Frasier: No, Niles. There's an extremely large dead seal right by this dinghy.
Niles: Oh, dear God!
(He rushes back inside. Frasier follows slowly)
Frasier: You know, on the bright side, there's not a single crack in these windows.
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper (claps it off) so you can find it in the dark. (claps it on) Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, she could never clap hard enough to activate it.
Niles: It's her ideal weight. What she weighed at her debutante ball. (He punches into a small key pad) Let's see, this many pounds, and that many ounces.
Frasier: Good lord, no one could weigh that and live!
Martin: Nobody's gonna notice that window, and besides, who else is gonna loan you their place? It's not like you can ask Maris.
At that, Niles has a brilliant idea)
Niles: I don't have to ask her. She's out of the country. She's in Antwerp having her elbows done. She has that stunning beach house. I'm sure I can get past the alarm.
Martin: Isn't that breaking and entering?
Niles: Oh, pish. It can't be a crime if it's catered.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I hope you have a lovely time.
Niles: Oh, don't sulk Frasier. You can still come. I've got to start planning. Wait 'til you see this place. It's right on the beach, it's ideal for viewing the meteor shower.
(Niles heads for the door)
Martin: Maybe Chef Marcel can make your truffles look like little meteors zooming around the plates. (laughs)
Niles: We make fun of him, but every now and then he has a fantastic idea.
Niles: Dear God, what's that?
Frasier: Well, it's just a small crack, a little bird flew into it the other day. I'm replacing the pane next week.
Niles: Next week?
Niles: Well, that's too late.
Frasier: It's just a piece of tape! No one will even notice.
Niles: You have no idea how cutthroat my rivals are. They will leap on the tiniest imperfection. Last night, Sebastian Melmoth threw a lavish Japanese banquet. A certain rival spent the entire evening carping about how the obis on the geishas' kimonos were improperly tied.
Frasier: A certain rival?
Niles: All right, me.
Frasier: I got him Sonics tickets.
Niles: Bless you. Oh! And did I mention, they're predicting meteor showers for that evening! So not only will I have a great meal, in a perfect setting...
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: But we'll have nature itself putting on a show for us. (points out to the balcony) Oh, we'll have an excellent view from right...
Martin: Oh, nothing. She's just young and friendly, and... she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
Daphne: What, you mean Korea? Mr. Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.
Martin: Oh, hi, Pam. I didn't know you were here.
Daphne: I told you this morning she was coming by.
Martin: It musta slipped my mind. Don't you look nice tonight.
Pam: You too, Martin. I love your sweater.
Martin: Yeah, pretty cheerful, huh? Not everyone can wear these colors.
Daphne: It helps if you're a matador. (to Pam) Come on, we don't want to be late for the movie.
(They get up, Daphne grabbing the wine and glasses)
Pam: Can I freshen up first?
Martin: Oh, yeah, yeah, right through there.
(Pam goes into the powder room, Daphne turns on Martin)
Daphne: You dirty old man! Flirting with a girl her age!
Martin: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
Daphne: Yeah, she looked once and it was over.
Niles: Can you believe it? She owns six newspapers and nine radio stations, she'll still cadge a free meal faster than that bulbous cartoon fellow who mooches hamburgers from Popeye. I know I must sound...
Niles: And whiny too. But... I wanted this. And after the year I've been through, I needed something to restore my pride, my dignity, my manhood. That Golden Apron could do it.
Frasier: And you are going to have it. You can have the dinner party at my house.
Niles: You mean it?
Frasier: Yes. I'll tell you what: I'll rent an extra-large table and I'll share in the hosting chores.
Niles: You are a saint...
Though I did note you only offered after you found that out our club includes a rich station owner who could give you a job.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I must say I'm hurt. I offer you something out of the goodness of my heart, you make it sound like I'm a shallow opportunist.
Niles: I'm terribly sorry. How can I make it up to you?
Frasier: Oh, I don't know. Sit me next to someone interesting.
Niles: Oh, Claudia, perhaps.
Frasier: Yes. Put her on my left, it's my best side.
Niles: Suddenly last night, disaster. Someone proposed that instead of giving lectures, this year's finalists compete by hosting dinner parties in their homes.
Roz: So? Why don't you invite 'em all over and cook 'em a meal?
Niles: At the Shangri-La? I can't tell the cream of Seattle's gourmet set that I've moved out of the Montana and into that gulag with a game room. I'll just have to drop out of the race.
Frasier: Let's not be hasty. Let's give this some thought. Every problem has a solution.
Roz: Do you call that a problem? A problem is when your kid keeps you up three nights in a row with colic, and you're so burned out you rear-end a Lexus, with four passengers, each and every one a lawyer, so you'll probably be sued and spend the rest of your working life, if you ever even GET a job, lining the pockets of four blood-sucking, whiplash-faking fat cats. THAT'S what a problem is.
Frasier: Can you have it at a restaurant?
Niles: It's against the rules.
Roz: Thanks for the sympathy!
Frasier: What a glorious day! Can't help but put a bounce in one's step, can it?
Roz: (trying to open some aspirin) If you're gonna be cheerful, sit somewhere else. Damn it! I broke a nail.
International Episode Titles:
Czech Republic: Zlatá zástěra (Gold Apron)
During the week of November 16-20, the syndicated "Frasier" episodes were chosen by the populace in an Entertainment Weekly poll. The five episodes were, in ascending order: "To Kill a Talking Bird", "The Matchmaker", "Breaking the Ice", "Frasier's Imaginary Friend", and "Moon Dance".
Frasier: "Sebastian Melmoth"
This character's name was Oscar Wilde's pseudonym, which he took in France after his release from jail.
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