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Dr. Frasier Crane
Daphne Moon Crane
Dr. Niles Crane
Robert "Bulldog" Briscoe (seasons 4 - 6, recurring otherwise)
NBC advertised the opening of the episode as the "funniest ten minutes" of Frasier ever.
Niles is irritated by a misplaced crease in his pants above the knee. He irons the lower part though.
Daphne: So why do you like living with me?
Martin: Oh, for God's sake, can't we just agree to cut this out?
Daphne: Oh, all right, all right. You're wonderful, I'm wonderful. You know it's funny when I think about the two of us. I mean, sure, we have our little fights, but for the most part we get along so well together. And when I think about how I enjoy looking after you, and how you always seem to miss me when I've been gone for too long, well it's sort of like you're my...
Martin: (smiling) What?
Daphne: No, it might sound funny to say this...
Martin: No, come on, that's all right, you can say it.
Daphne: All right. Well, it's sort of like you're my pet.
Daphne: In a good sense. Like you and Eddie.
Martin: What the hell you talkin' about? You callin' me a dog now?!
Daphne: It's an analogy, for God's sake...
Martin: (grumpy) Yeah, fine, whatever.
Daphne: What's wrong with you?
Martin: Why did he assume I was your father? I mean, a lot of guys my age go out with women like you. What's he tryin' to say? That I could never attract someone young and pretty?
Daphne:Well, thank you, Mr. Crane.
Martin: Does this all have to be about you?
Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes. You're a very attractive man with lots of wonderful qualities.
Martin: Yeah, yeah, I know. All right, let's order.
(Again the look over the menus)
Martin: Like what?
Daphne: Oh, come on now. You're very charming, and you have a good sense of humor. And you've got lovely eyes. (he laughs modestly) But most of all, you're good company. I enjoy living with you.
Martin: Well, thank you, Daphne. I like living with you, too.
Daphne: Thank you.
Daphne: I don't know what came over me. I haven't cried like that since, well... (crying again) New Year's Eve.
Martin: Oh, geez, come on, Daph. You're, uh, you know, you're going to find someone.
Daphne: You think so?
Martin: Well, sure. Yeah, you're... you have a lot of very great qualities.
Daphne: Thank you. I'm so sorry about this. I know it makes you uncomfortable to talk about personal things.
Martin: Yeah, well, that's all right. So, you ready to order?
(They study the menus for a moment)
Daphne: What kind of qualities?
Martin: Well... you know, you're smart, and nice-looking, and fun to be with. So you gonna go with the soup or salad?
Daphne: You really think I'm nice-looking?
Martin: (flustered) Well, sure, yeah. Where's that guy with the bread?
Daphne: That is so sweet of you.
Martin: Well, don't mention it. Let's just have a nice happy evening.
Daphne: Of course. I'm fine now. (after another short pause) Nice-looking how?
Martin: Oh, geez!
Daphne: Oh, never mind.
Martin: Oh, no it's all right. Well, you know, you're pretty and, uh... tall, and uh... take good care of your hair, you know... You're attractive, what do you want from me?
Daphne: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't here this sort of thing very much lately.
Martin: Well, you're just in a slump, that's all. You ask me, you're a great catch.
(A waiter comes over)
Waiter: It's not my place to say so, Miss, but I think your father's right. You're a very attractive woman.
(He goes off. Daphne smiles, Martin does not)
Daphne: Well, how about that? That's a nice little ego boost.
Martin: You know, Daph, I'm really impressed with you. A lot of people get all insecure if they don't have a date on Valentine's Day, but not you.
Daphne: Oh, heaven's no. If you think about it, it's just a silly holiday they made up to sell more flowers and candy.
Martin: Right. Well, you take a look at the menu and I'll check your coat.
Daphne: Oh, no need for that. So, what looks good to you?
Martin: (grabbing her coat) The coat-check girl. Gimme your coat.
(Martin goes to check the coat, the Maitre d' comes over)
Maitre d': Happy Valentine's Day, welcome to Russano's.
Daphne: Thank you.
Maitre d': The waiter will be by to take your drink order when your husband gets back. (leaves)
Daphne: Oh, he's not my husband. I don't have a... husband.
(She trails off as she notices all the happy couples around her. Martin comes back)
Martin: (sitting) Wow, I wish there was somethin' else I could check. Besides my blood pressure. Well, I know what I'm in the mood for, a nice big steak. How 'bout you?
(Daphne begins to cry)
Cassandra: (coming close to him and lowering her voice) Oh, I know something we can do to warm up real fast.
Frasier: Yes, all we have to do is...
Cassandra: Have a brandy.
Frasier: Yes! Let's have a brandy!
Cassandra: The mini-bar's over there. I'll be right out.
Frasier: Excuse me. Excuse me. You see that woman over by the coat-check?
Frasier: She's my dinner companion for the evening and things have taken a turn towards the romantic. I want to make her feel as special as possible. (He gives the violinist some cash)
Violinist: Then you should have offered to check her coat.
Frasier: Yes, thank you very much! All right, just play something romantic when she gets back.
(Cassandra comes back to the table, meeting Mario, the Maitre d', on
Mario: Miss Cassandra, so nice to see you again.
Cassandra: You too, Mario. And how's the sexiest Maitre d' in Seattle?
(She leans in and kisses him just like she did Frasier. Mario seats
her and Frasier sits as well)
Cassandra: Sorry again for keeping you waiting. I got sucked in at this cocktail party.
Frasier: Oh, you were at a cocktail party.
Cassandra: Some benefit thing. It was very fancy. Obviously, why else would I show up wearing this?
Frasier: Why else indeed.
(He waves away the violinist who is approaching)
Cassandra: Oh, they have the best wine list here. Do you feel like sharing a bottle?
Frasier: If you like.
Cassandra: Good thing I took a cab here, I'm a real lightweight. Then again, I'm sure a gentleman like you wouldn't mind escorting me back to my room after dinner, will you?
Frasier: Oh, I think that can be arranged.
(He waves the violinist back over)
Cassandra: I love the food here.
Frasier: What do you recommend?
Cassandra: I'll start with the anchovies and red peppers, and then the garlic chicken with scallions.
(Frasier waves the violinist away again)
Cassandra: Are you in the mood for oysters?
Frasier: Actually, I'm not sure.
Frasier: Oh, who are you going out with tonight?
Roz: Oh, Bob. You know, the tax accountant.
Frasier: Isn't he the one who drones on so incessantly you call him "The Cricket"?
Roz: No, I call him "The Cricket" because he rubs his hands together really fast during sex. Bye.
Frasier: Roz, it's Frasier. Look, I need your help.
Roz: Well, I don't have much time, I'm on my way out.
Frasier: OK, just answer me this: How do you know if you're on a date?
Roz: Are you alone?
Roz: Then you're not on a date.
The first act of this scene, with Niles and Eddie in Frasier's apartment as Niles gets ready for a date, is performed in almost silence. The only dialogue, apart from a few lines from Niles at the beginning, is the occasional mutter or mumble from Niles as things go wrong.
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